im not exactly one who expresses her thoughts very well..all these posts you see here are products of thoughts that have been sitting in my drafts for weeks, even months on end. still i believe that writing down thoughts is a healthy outlet for emotions. so how am i recently?

i guess after reading thewokesalaryman's latest post im glad that someone managed to verbalize my inner thoughts. it's been a year-ish since covid struck and singapore being in and out of lockdowns, albeit their fancy names like circuit breaker CB [meant to liken a bad word] and heightened alert HA. i for starters dont stay home on pre-covid days except for maybe weekends and the "lockdowns" have stifled me more by forcing me to work, eat and sleep all in one space.

i really miss sitting in cafes/macs to read/write and just surf the web aimlessly while enjoying food or the scenic views. i miss travelling, those getting lost days while exploring new cities and streets. and most of all, i miss my freedom. 

not many people might understand, but i really want to move out. i know others see that i have a big nice house with my own room and own toilet and all but that's just the surface.

i dislike eating homecooked food. i mean it's great that i get to save money and that my mother cooks, but i really dont like the food she cooks. i dont blame her too, but it's just that i like pasta i like sushi i like ramen, none of which she will ever cook or buy cos she doesnt like them. but that's not the only reason. 

staying at home is just..very negative. my father and i have many conflicts cos we have very very very different living habits. i hate it when things are disorganized in the house, i hate keeping useless stuff, i hate it when rooms arent bright and i hate it when music gets too loud and i hate it when people touch my stuff without permission. perhaps i sound very unreasonable and prissy to you but im sorry that's just my habits and me. unfortunately my father is the totally opposite. he will finish food in the fridge though he didnt buy the food, and he wouldnt even tell me. he likes working in the kitchen though he has his own study room which makes it very hard for me to make breakfast or my drinks. and he like to text me to do stuff. i dont like to be chased to do very trivial stuff especially when im extremely busy. i mean i will do it when im free. period. if im not doing it i didnt forget, i just dont have the time.

but i guess, above all, i hate staying home cos i just feel like im obliged to do stuff because im stuck at home and have "nothing to do". 

for instance my relatives like coming over to play mj every sunday. and cos mj is a 4-people game i have to play. and when they play it's really for hours on end, until 11+pm in the night. before covid we went to my uncle's house every sunday and imagine staying until 11+pm and then reaching home to get ready for back to work on monday..it's crazy. i mean i could say no but they'll make all these fuss. and it's not just about playing long hours. it's about playing with seniors - relatives older than you and it really feels that i have to lose in order for them to be happy else whenever i win they just keep making those snide remarks about how i always win but when they win it's another attitude altogether. im really really tired of all these double standards you know.

and sometimes on sundays i just wanna unwind and nua and lie down and just scroll aimlessly on my phone just to unwind. but they keep making comments about how im so lazy and all. and sometimes i really have a lot of work to do i just wanna use weekends to catch up on work cos i dont wanna work until 3/4am to finish before monday. sigh. is spending 1k to move out worth to buy the headspace i need?