really a lot a lot a lot of patience and empathy are required in the people business. generally i think im high on the patient side? but there are 3 kinds of people that i have a short fuse for - 1) immature, 2) irresponsible and 3) people who waste others' time. and i see these traits in many millennials nowadays.

on top of that, i cannot stand people (especially girls!) who

• cuss (in every single FREAKING sentence) hahahah im doing that too doesnt it sound annoying 
• dont respect themselves and their bodies

i've had younger girls come and tell me that flirting with guys is okay because they treat the guys like bro. so it's okay to "lead them on" because "they will never fall for them". no pls. you bro them doesnt mean they feel the same way towards you. pls respect yourselves. girls should have the 矜持(jin chi), not sure how to translate it accurately into english. dignity?

and the most jaw-dropping line i heard tonight: "i'm here for a fun time, not a long time." :O their nonchalant attitude really gets on my nerve.

perhaps it's just a millennial thing i feel. people who are rude to seniors, who are not interested in helping others but volunteer anyway (for what? friends? fun?), people who come to volunteer but end up spending their time complaining, talking about others and stirring politics. i was pretty sure i wasnt brought up this way; my parents didnt teach me to live life this way, neither did my teachers, nor my friends. how did the current generation turn out otherwise? its sad and infuriating when you see youngsters these days snapping at people older than them and brush it off as "that's how i talk" and "if you dont like it, dont talk to me". NO. please respect yourselves and others. be humble.

End of yet another week. technically tmr's friday so there's one more working day but i took leave for tmr so it's long weekend for me yay! (actually the workaholic me is still going to work but at least i'll get to choose a working location with a nicer view heh) dont ask me why i took leave, it's for a very specific reason (no, im not going for any interview) it sounds stupid but it means a lot to me. now. really need some time away to clear my head and heart ): oh wells

anyway my week has been pretty bad; i'll rate it a 3/10. initially the week started pretty well with my primary school friend's wedding in the morning (i have known her for 18 years of my life can you believe it?!?!) albeit bad decisions again to stay up til 2am having macdonalds with an old friend the night before; but then again im grateful for these rare deep one-on-one conversations. im pretty much a night owl (trained since jc) so kinda used to it but it's a bad habit and i acknowledge i need to work on this haha. anyways weddings are a good platform to catch up with old friends (the real 10-year challenge here okayyyy) and always so magical (':

and it was kind of a new experience for me as my friend had her solemnization and her wedding lunch together at a hotel. though kinda weird that the solemnization is not done in a church but i guess it's pretty much cost savings? haha. not my kind of wedding though. for me i just want a simple private dinner/garden/overseas beach kind of wedding (:

so that was saturday. then as usual sunday couldnt wake up for church in the morning LOL (im sorry its not funny i really need to learn how to manage my sleep hours better) but i did wake up on time to go back to the office to clear work (YES SINGLE LIFE IS A WORKAHOLIC LIFE) then came monday which was the killer ): ridiculous things have been happening in the office but it's really becoming very ridiculous. speechless. things are getting quite bad that im slowly spirally losing faith in my job :/

anddddd one more big thing happening on monday sighs..

really need a boost of good vibes badly ):

Another Monday, another crazy night. Record breaking time of leaving at 12am tonight! (or should i say this morning hahha) anyway i was so shagged from work (another crazy thing happened at work today so i couldnt leave earlier but that's for another post) so i didnt want to write i just wanted to be advisor so i sat next to hazel meimei. after that the queue was still so long so MF and i took a laptop and opened a counter. i was telling uncle jo to give me the easy ones (fine, SSO) and there was one which seemed easy (she came to collect FV) but turned out to be so complicated :/

Resident was a mother who was about 2 years older than me but had like 6 kids?!?!?! (clar was asking me what was i doing with my life and i said she older so she first HAHAHHA) anyway Resident came on the behalf of her husband who was currently in prison and was selected for some work and training vocation programme but wasnt successful due to his outstanding traffic fines. AND MIND YOU, THERE WERE LIKE $2000 WORTH OF FINES DUE. yes no kidding man. she brought out like a thick wad of fines ranging from LTA to TP to HDB and URA. she said that her husband just informed her that he got this lot of outstanding bills since May 2018 and that certis cisco has even been to her house to arrest her husband because he has failed to pay these bills and they have been brought up to court that's why they had to arrest him but they didnt know he had already been in jail cos of petty theft or sth blah blah. just so speechless after hearing that. no points for guessing what race they are haha but truth is, reality check man. the husband is the only one working, he doesnt have a great education so he only works as a valet, the wife is a housewife caring for 5 kids (one daughter being cared for by the aunt), the husband chalks up all these fines, gets into prison, family forever relying on SSO and MUIS financial aid, kids not having good education, cannot find good job and earn more money *facepalm* it's a vicious cycle man

and i think she saw our judgmental faces so she explained, quote her, "money can be earned but their [the kids] happiness cannot be bought". i mean yes you love kids, i love kids too, but reality check here. you dont have enough to even feed yourself how to feed 5 kids??? and then forever worrying about not enough money not enough food, is that true happiness?? reminds me of one staff we had who also said no money so want to apply job at our company but hire her le then she whole day take unpaid leave see doctor or some weird excuse. housewife at home never fall sick but once start working every day sick and it's the legit sick kind. 1 week can take like 3 days unpaid leave. ??? either sick or fall down in mrt or son forgot house keys etc. cant understand such people. meeting so many strange people every day haiz.

sidenote: 4 people said that i slimmed down today! secretly happy hehe

Choices. This word seemed to be quite prevalent this week. One colleague told me he was unhappy at work and wanted to quit so I told him that he had a choice - two choices in fact, to let the unhappy thing get to him or to give up and go. Then again the word choices popped up when I was having dinner with my ex-colleagues girl clique. One of them was sharing her past stories where she made bad choices but she stuck by them and was grateful she did. Yes we all have choices, question is will you stick by and bear the consequences of your choices?

(I need to wake up early tmr but my stupid brain is making me write this down while Lady Gaga’s Shallow keeps replaying in my head urgh)

*update: I found the post which describes exactly what i wanted to say! and here goes:
"My grandma told me there are only two types of decisions: Decisions made out of fear and decisions made out of growth.” For instance, do you stay in your job because you are afraid you won’t get another job? Or do you stay in your job because you are excited about the growth potential there? Do you stay in a relationship because you are afraid you won’t meet someone else, or you are afraid of hurting someone else? Or do you stay in a relationship because you are truly grateful the other person is in your life (and hopefully, vice versa). Every decision I have made has either been fear or growth. Not just big decisions but even the smallest decisions. And the fear-based decisions never worked out for me. When I made a fear based decision it was always because I was giving power to someone else. The growth-based decisions all resulted in miracles I could not have imagined. With growth-based decisions you feel it in your body: an expansion of your chest, ideas in your mind, a feeling of competence increasing. A feeling of freedom expanding. A growth-based decision becomes the story of your life later. A fear-based decision turns into regret."

Fb reminded me that i shared this video 1 year ago. Re-posting this because it's still very apt.

Yes, #adulting has been the topic revolving around me ever since i graduated from SMU. starting to pay bills and taxes, doing up insurance/hospitalization plans, learning how to take care of my health, going for investment talks, comparing costs and using discount apps..i even started to buy my own towels and bedsheets.

plus it doesnt seem to make it easier that everyone around me seem to have their lives all figured out; to have met their soulmate at age 15, are happily married, have successfully applied for bto, and are now settling down in their dream #pinterest apartments, showing off their cute babies on social media :/ maybe i shouldnt be using the standard Singaporean success mold to define my happiness but it's really hard not to compare. i just want to find someone who's willing to work hard with me to make the future come true that's all i guess. sigh. still need a lot a lot of powerups in order to win this #adulting game ):

Weirdest/funniest thing that happened today at work. there was a guy who supposedly came for an interview but because we didnt have a receptionist, my admin girl was notified by the guardhouse of this particular visitor. so she went down to receive this visitor to find out his purpose of visit but didnt manage to catch his name, except that he said that he was here for an interview and he was looking for XXX. after that she came back up and informed the hiring manager XXX of this candidate. so XXX told her okay, he knew the candidate was coming and so asked her to pass the resume to him. being just in charge of admin, she didnt have the resume so she checked in with me. i replied sure, give me the name of the candidate and the role he applied for so that i could pull up the resume for the hiring manager. then she cutely replied that she didnt manage to catch the name so she went back down again to ask for the guy's name. but when she came back up 2 min later, she said sth very shocking to us. she said that the guy was offended that she asked him for his name and the role he applied for and he said that this was a waste of his time; if the agency didnt inform us that he was scheduled for an interview he would just leave. AND HE REALLY DID. ???? is he really here to seek a job? travelling here for a supposedly interview and leaving within minutes because someone asked for his name? not to bring race into the picture here but some people are weird. i dont think my admin girl had a bad attitude or what because she is literally the sweetest girl. i just dont get candidates sometimes. so strange lol. admire my recruiter friends who have to deal with thousands of such scenarios haha

Watched More than Blue 《比悲伤更悲伤的故事》with Keromyn ytd, the tear-jerking movie which everyone is raving about. i really brought along a huge pack of tissue because i expected myself to cry a lot with my low tearing point (I even cry at monster-fighting movies like Pacific Rim?!?!) Surprisingly my floodgates didnt open whereas Kero was crying buckets next to me LOL. Perhaps im heartless after all. haha no la. let me explain my rationale for why the movie didnt reach my tear threshold.

Overall, i feel that the show is about 2 selfish people. K was selfish to hide his illness from Cream as he felt she didnt need another heartbreak after she lost her family at 16. therefore he planned her relationship for her and manipulated people into getting his desired outcome in which he believed that Cream would be happy. and like what cindy said, he wanted to just slowly disappear from her life and pretend he never existed. Cream was selfish to ruin another guy’s life by pretending to be in love with him and marrying him just to make K happy?

All in all i feel that both are just selfish in the sense that they had 10 years together but neither of them cherished the time together? it's like that quote about Chopin in the 2007 Jay Chou movie Secret in which Jay was saying that it was sad Chopin had to be separated from his wife lover (omg i googled. it was about him and a guy called George Sand) but then the main female lead said no, they had 10 years together which was a long time and because they cherished the 10 years they were beautiful moments. Yes K and Cream also had the 10 years together but they didn’t do anything. They didn’t say the words they wanted to say, they didn’t live out the moments that mattered, and that’s why the last few months in which K was dying they had a lot of regrets. and tbh, i dont believe platonic friends exist, not when they kissed each other and slept with each other?? the guy wont get horny one meh? how can they not have s*x once? okay crudeness aside, i think the movie just wants to bring out how pure their love for each other is, albeit how ridiculous it sounds.

and i guess that is the underlying theme for the movie? pure love. agape. like 《那些年》which had the theme of “错过” and《少女时代》which was “守护” (i read some article which said this!) i think there should be a theme for More than Blue also. which is quite sweet tbh. and which reminds me of a video i watched, of this Buddhist nun (her name is Tenzin Palmo! i googled hehe) explaining the difference between genuine love and attachment. one particular line i like about what she said is this: "Genuine love says, I love you, therefore I want you to be happy. If that includes me, great! If it doesn't include me, I just want your happiness." <3 like though K genuinely wishes that he could be with Cream forever but he couldnt, he just wanted her to be happy. the purest of purest form of genuine love aww. though i still believe that if you really love someone you shouldnt hide the truth. yes the truth may hurt but in times like this, i rather know the truth so that i can live out the last days with you, and those moments will be perfect because i wont have any regrets. well, though i didnt tear, it really made me think a lot about life. about those close to me, how much i was willing to sacrifice and what i would actually do if i were the female lead. *spoilers alert* i think i might actually choose to kill myself too if i were in her shoes ): cant exactly say i have experienced as deeply as her except maybe leo passed away? the ending was really shocking but i really admire her decision (':

sidenote: i kinda didnt like the main female char cos she's very weird and annoying? (are taiwanese girls all like that??) but im was quite inspired to get bangs cos of her hahaha (i really did cut side bangs but it's very fail cos i think my hair is too long and i still can tuck the bangs behind my ears?)

and and. K didnt portray someone with leukaemia very well. patients gradually grow progressively weak so they wont like just be fine one day and faint the other? not like K in the movie lol. and he didnt even look sickly at all. where's the pale face and lips? maybe that's why i didnt feel very sad also hahahah

and and and. the theme song by A-lin very nice hehe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRcudpJzy1I