hello! (:

it's been a long time since i properly sat down to journal. i've been rather lazy and undisciplined though i do have many thoughts every day hahah. ironic that i watched a TSL video last night on getting the talents to be disciplined and wake up at 6am for the whole week but i dont think that motivates me enough haha

anyway the past months have been rather eventful with many firsts (': long post ahead so be warned

1) finally took a class on latte art! it's something that i wanted to do for a long time. did it during my solo trip to KL and paid RM 300 for it (x2 cos the guy said he didnt receive my money and made me send again -.- pretty sure he was lying but fine) rather interesting course but i sadly destroyed my white shoes *cries. thankfully it was just $20 shoes

                                 

                                    probs 1/4 of the coffee i wasted before i got a good one                         

    

      my poor shoes ):

2) did a baking class when i was in KL too. not exactly a first time but proud of how things turned out (one step closer to my cafe dream maybe?)

matcha cheesecake (: i decorated the strawberries myself

3) did a public speaking in full chinese for the first time at a grassroots events for the summary of ndr. it was supposed to be lixin doing it but she had a terrible fall and cmi so i agreed to do it :O at first i thought it was only to like 10pax but when chris sent a photo of his audience i got damn scared cos it looked like 30-50 pax but im glad everything turned out fine for my sessions. all the aunties and uncles were very supportive and cute (and thankfully they didnt have any hard questions) :D im kinda proud to say that im bilingual too hehe 

4) finally managed to do foundation day after last year's hiatus. we went to kayak n clean the kallang river. so fun but tiring haha

5) visited a new city Kluang in malaysia HAHAHAH thanks to MY as usual (my jb-loving friend) we becoming more and more malaysian lol. it was a short weekend trip but we managed to squeeze in an organic farm tour, a coffee factory run and had my fav bkt ((: but on the bus back the jam was so bad though it was only a 2h ride. i had to pee so bad even though i went to the toilet before the bus ride and i was praying to God so hard not to let me pee my pants. really hope this kind of situation never happens again. im more afraid of losing my face than spoiling my bladder :3

albeit all these, i do have some worries as well

Finances - i think it's hard not to compare when you're out with others but im starting to feel underpaid and discontented with work now that i hear people get big bonuses and better salary increases and then at my workplace it's always budget constraints and delayed salary increases. i know im doing better than some others and i keep telling myself that its more impt if the competition is a healthy push to do better and not in a bid to outdo nor to make ourselves less happy. but it's so funny how i used to live with intern allowance or fresh grad pay and i thought i was quite well off. adulting now means phone bills, insurance, credit card bills (and for me, rent - but i dont regret it) but ah wells, as long as one is happy then it's good enough! just live within your means :) 

10 sept was also world suicide prevention day. a few years ago i probably would have dismissed this but as there is more and more awareness on mental health, i have to come to understand my (ex) emotions a bit more. not a lot of people know this, but i knew of two (and a half) people who took their own lives. 

the first one was leo, my senior from uni. i got to know him through teck as leo and nate were joining the samsung competition and they need a female&junior name to add to the group. tldr "we" won (i really didnt do anything) and we got to have a sponsored trip to korea to visit their industrial city Suwon and even have an internship in samsung sg. unfortunately the internship was a waste of time (they really were forced to make a hc for interns so i didnt learn much) and leo didnt even get a chance at the internship cos of his citizenship status. i first learnt of his death through fb when suddenly many friends were posting on his fb page saying rip etc. i didnt really know what was going on until his sister confirmed the death with the funeral deets on his wall ): i rmb going down to the funeral parlor at sin ming, none of the family members shared the cause of his death and i only knew it through a mutual friend a few years later that he was actually struggling emotionally to keep ahead in the rat race despite all his humour facade and positive vibes

the second one was chels whom i learnt of her suicide through xian. in many people's eyes she was weird and introverted but i always just thought she was one with very deep thoughts. it's always funny looking back at how i didnt know she and cs (her brother) were related though they both had the same rare surname. i knew her brother first through xian and then chels at cru but they were so so so different that i never associated their relationship. i even bullied cs to carry my luggage when we were in japan (oops). i dont talk to cs anymore but i hope he managed to move on and heal (':

and the half was the recent policeman who shot himself at marina bay ): the article didnt post the guy's name but when i saw the name online i suspected it was jm's brother cos it was another rare surname. and then i saw my ex-coach posting on it and i realized that it was indeed jm's brother ): just wanna share what she wrote to her brother and i sincerely hope her family does find closure! i admit that it's a difficult topic to touch on and though morbid, i do hope that more cases will help to desensitize this. 

from jm ):

i grew up with very traditional parents who never showed their care openly. whenever i try to show displeasure they would always say things like "everyone else also dont have this problem, why only you have" or whenever i wanted my personal time and not have visitors or to go visiting they would say things like "it's not that i ask you to plan or go out of the house, you just sit there and do nth". it was very tiring to voice my opinions as they would say that i like to argue and partially because of this i chose to move out. i havent actually tried to tell them my actual feelings and i think i need a few more years to reconcile this but actually many times i think if they had someone else's daughter, their daughter might have not taken things so well lol. i know that they dont mean it and it's probably the way they were brought up but im trying to not let myself be influenced and absorb all this negativity :/ wont say that im a saint either but im trying to do better every day (':

and that's pretty much about my life now i guess. im not someone who posts stories about my life on social media every day so til next time when i have the discipline to sit and write in the middle of the night (that's why i cant wake up at 6am lol)

next country of travel after covid! batam! i used to love batam cos its cheap - 2 way ferry for ~$45, cheap cafes, shopping, (and cheap thrill of motorbike rides that my mum doesnt allow me to take in sg) but after covid the ferry tix are $70 now :O haiz nvm la just go see see hor. and i used to stay in harris cos it's affordable and it's right next to the batam center terminal so no $$ and time spent to get cab. before gojek and grab you could only hire cabs from their concierge and the prices were fixed and you guessed it, they would often jack the prices to earn $$ (still considered cheap but still...) :X 

anyway this time round i went with meiyen's friends, lets call them B1, B2 and B2's gf C. i kinda know B1 and met B2 before but it was the first time travelling with them. we had this wa group set up where they were talking about the hotel and everything before the trip. tbh i dont like looking at group chats so when i finally opened the chat after hours it was already 100+ messages. i kinda summarized the texts and they were finalizing on this resort called nongsa marina and resort in the northern part of batam (batam center terminal is at the central-south) and i tot they already booked it for 5 of us since they finalized it but NO. they told me to confirm with meiyen before we booked? okay so first red flag for the 3-2 divide.

our ferry was scheduled to be 9 July 4.40pm. i had the PAP walk in the morn so the timing was just right for me to go home, bathe and grab lunch after the walk before heading out but as murphy's law goes..anything that can go wrong will go wrong. and indeed they did. the ferry operator sent an email on friday night to inform that our 4.40pm ferry was cancelled, and they were bumping us on the 2.30pm ferry at another depature terminal instead (tanah merah instead of the original harbourfront). so we panicked as it was quite last min. i was still hesistant whether to go for the walk in the morning. but eventually i did, MY managed to contact the ferry operator to get 3.30pm tix at harbourfront terminal and everything seemed to be fine.

but when we disembarked the queue at arrival was freaking long ): but we were quite entertained by the malaysian couple in front of us who were squabbling (could tell they were malaysian cos of their accents). we couldnt hear much tbh it was only the girl who kept raising her voice but she kept saying the bf was raising his voice at her?! hahahha excuse me even though he was in front of us we could only hear you okay. and the girl kept saying things like "not happy then break up" really like drama hahahha. and there were many other classic lines like "dont touch me!!" when the guy tried to pull her to keep up with the queue and "not happy then i will leave" (but she didnt leh, really dramatic)

we finally managed to clear immigrations after 2 freaking hours (even C who took the later ferry had caught up with us) and we were supposed to meet the 2 guys for dinner but they were still quite far away in some other mall and MY and i were quite tired and sticky so we decided to grab to the resort first to check in, put our stuff and bathe, leaving C alone at the terminal to wait for the guys.

along the way in the cab, B2 was angry at us for leaving C alone? though both the guys had already said they were on the way to the terminal before MY and i ordered our grab, they only picked C up at the terminal when we were reaching our hotel which was a good 30-40min away. they "thought" we were still with C at the terminal so they "took their own sweet time" to arrive. what nonsense. even if we were still there at the terminal, we already kinda made plans for dinner so why still take own sweet time? ridiculous.

anyway end up MY and i just had dinner at the hotel. which was not too bad imo tho pricey. they were having some event that night so it was like a dinner under the stars, with pretty lights set up romantically. not the right partner to be with but hahahaha.

the guys and C went off to eat a sumptuous seafood dinner but i didnt feel i was missing out tbh. not a big fan of seafood hahahha. but we did meet them for some light drinks in the hotel after they came back. so in the room we were sharing about our day - the long immigration, the quarreling couple and all and B2 kept saying we were stupid for not stuffing a $5 and asking them to tolong (help)? omg how could he even suggest this illegal thing. maybe not illegal in batam but $5 seriously? they would fall for a $5? but still, kidding or not, is really something i will never do. even if it really helps to cut the line. but illegal? no thank you.

okay that's him maybe. and then day 2 was really epic as well. they literally had no plans but to sit at the pool and do nothing but the pool was very dirty and not like the infinity ig worthy kind? hahahha. not judging but im the kind who cant sit still so me and MY wanted to go out to shop and get massage/nails done whatever. BUT THE PLACE DAMN FREAKING FAR NO GRAB WANTED TO TAKE US. i managed to book a grab bike but that was only for 1 and MY didnt managed to book so i left to go to the mall first. pretty much shopped about 2h by myself before we managed to book a grab car for her to come join me. and then we managed to go to my fav cafe opp bcs yay! so thankful it survived covid.

and then for dinner we wanted to meet the other 3. we texted to see if we should meet them at nagoya snd they said ok. but they said they were still running their errands so we can walk around by ourselves first before meeting them. so MY and i went to the hypermarket to get some essentials but before we were done, the other 3 said they were done and they were leaving immediately. no pre-warning? but we werent done at the hypermarket so the 3 just left without us?!?! and said that they will text us the dinner address place so we can grab there ourselves? eventually they got the private hire to circle around the mall before picking us up cos they couldnt wait at the entrance due to mall restrictions. but whatever la. like i tot we were meeting to go dinner together? huh?

and at dinner B2 kept saying i was stupid to throw my life away for a few dollars cos bike is so dangerous? just be generous and spend that extra few $$ more to get a grab car instead. and how could i leave MY there at the hotel. hello? not as if i wanted to?? and not our fault the place so far nobody wanted to pick us up? *rolls eyes*

haiz i dunno but anyway the whole trip it felt like B1 and B2 were upset at us? guys are so petty man *rolls eyes*

and came third day where we were going home. so thankfullllll. and thankful there was strong aircon on the ferry back. else cant cool the heat in my heart. shag trip >.<

Met a friend today who was my sisters classmate. 

She has been with her bf for many years and today she was telling me her bf’s house will be ready on Monday. Oh BTO I asked? She said no it’s resale. So I tot she wanted the house faster so she got resale. Ahh then you getting married soon? I replied. But she said no again, the house only her bf name cos he was 36 already and eligible to buy. Then I asked her about herself and she said she was okay not to put her name cos she will also buy one when she is 35. They have decided not to get kids so they are not very concerned about getting married. They just want separate houses so that they can live in one and rent out the other for money. Is this the trend nowadays? Not getting married cos don’t want kids? And what kind of relationship is that? Partner? Co-living? 

And then we chatted a while about my sister. She asked me if I knew that my sister was pregnant with number 2? Yeah I said I knew. Congrats to her. She has a fulfilling life. But then my friend said she’s not envious of her sister. She’s not excited. That’s good I guess? Kinda happy for her that she’s comfortable and happy and not jealous of others’ lives. As long as we all are happy I guess that’s all that matters? 

still learning to not be affected by society views. Someday (‘:

it's day 163 of year 2022!

how fast time flies!

i've officially moved into my rented apartment now for 2 months and so far the freedom is great, though my main dilemma every day is thinking about what to eat for dinner O.o but i'm really glad for more personal space to grow and heal, and thankful that i have had more time to myself. been watching tdk podcasts and really like some of the controversy topics that they bring up (': (this one really spoke to me, more thoughts on it later)

anyway the covid situation in singapore seems to have stabilized now, we've finally exited dorscon red to re-enter orange after 2+ years (havent heard that term since forever) and masks are now optional outdoors (hope i dont jinx it!) though i feel like singaporeans' attitude towards this pandemic has not changed. recently i had a scare with someone close being positive but still roaming outside because the moh says it's ok to discharge yourself on 12pm on day7. *rolls eyes* well it was legal but that doesnt make it socially right you know but lazy to say it cos we all are adults and we should be more responsible blah.

other than that life seems to have resumed with travel opening up - ive been to KL and genting already though things feel v v different now. i kinda shopped less now or felt the need to buy less things (is it a sign of maturity?) and i kinda dont have the feels to travel anymore. is it cos of the 2 year hiatus? 

this is way overdue but i wanted to write about this while i still remember it!

attended my first ever indian wedding of my jc classmate aarthi on 17 apr. tbh im quite the procrastinator so only one day before the wedding i was frantically googling what attire i should be in and if there was any customary items to do eg give ang bao (equivalents or sth). thankfully aly had an indian friend who helped asked his mum about stuff (': my only close indian friend was the one getting married so no references for me ahahahha

the wedding was at an indian temple next to farrer park mrt. the invitation stated 9-1pm but as usual...me and xp were late HAHAHA. talk about how we used to stand one behind one another in assemblies and our habits are exactly the same lol. when we arrived at the temple we didnt have time to find out which way to proceed cos someone showed us the way immediately though tbh i think it's cos we were clearly out of place being chinese and most likely werent there to take part in the prayers LOL. anyway, the wedding procession was in a hall on the 2nd floor and there was some kind of reception outside where one of the ladies handed us jasmine flowers to put in our hair. inside the hall some rituals happening on the stage and we didnt know what to expect so we just sat down somewhere in the middle. 

the rituals were kinda long so xp and i attempted to put the jasmine flowers in our hair in the meantime though, we were very unsuccessful haha. eventually some kind lady behind us offered us pins and after that also did our hair for us (i think she couldnt take how noob we were). the procession went on for about 2h? but me and xp couldnt appreciate hahahha. we were just amazed at how the guy on stage was so zai? he was blowing some instrument for over 2 hours without stopping? hahha and then after the procession there was the walk in, so we finally got to see our friend, the bride up close (': and im not a wedding person but i just wanted to say she was so beautiful, like literal bliss coming out of her face (':

and then after that people just got up to leave so we followed also. turned out that there was food prepared for the guests downstairs. after choosing our seats me and xp got up to take the trays for the food and were halted by "nonono" from the waiters >.< turned out that we just had to sit and they would serve the food to us (probs covid) so malu hahahha. and we were again amazed by the spread of the food and how aarthi's friends from australia were enjoying it so much? one couple even brought along their baby (looked really tiny like maybe 1 month old?) and we were awed by how the little one survived the airplane trip and didnt cry at all during the wedding O.o

and after the meal, guests could queue to go up stage and take photos with the couple. suaku us again didnt know when to give the ang bao so we went up the stage like 2-3 times to pass the ang bao to aarthi's relatives HAHAHHA. anyways, probs wont have a chance to attend another indian wedding but really an eye opener! (:

the jasmine flowers in our hair

the scrumptious lunch we had. how many kinds of curry are there?

Thankful that it’s almost the end of March soon 🎉 its been a really crazy month with iras tax filing (albeit only 100+ employees compared to when I did 1k+), bonus budgets and all.

Many other non-work “exciting” things also happened as well like the wild boar loose in #Yishun. Made me think of when people used to summon balrogs in kerning killing all those noobs trying to PQ (only the 90s peeps would know huh lol). Thankful that the wild boar has been caught (poor piggy) and the suay woman is recovering well.

And then I also fell off my bike so I couldn’t exercise for 2 weeks 😥 so feeling fat again hahaha.

And then with work it’s almost 1 year anniversary for me. Wonder how long I’ll stay this time? But it seems like career is finally taking off for me? This was sth that I prayed about many years ago and I guess I’m grateful things have gone kinda smoothly this time round.

And last but not least, not to be greedy but can God grant me my other wish too? O.o pretty pls hahaha

So I just wanted to write about last Sat, cos it was really epic. We had the zoom for WW IWD and godma being the kan chiong spider as always, asked me to come at 10.30am to set up for the 2pm call. I had set up before so I kinda knew where everything was but it turned out that things weren’t there when I needed them to be ): the webcam was supposed to be in the store but I couldn’t find them. I was certain the projector had hdmi cable but the one I pulled out didn’t have and the laptop we always used was missing :O

After bouts of frustration and swear words I finally managed to fix everything after calling Aly and we went for lunch. We came back about 1.30pm after lunch and even bought snacks/refreshments for the talk. Godma always overbuys, but I’m kinda secretly thankful that she thinks about such stuff even for short talks like this cos tbh I don’t really care if the people coming are hungry or not cos it’s after lunch :P

Anyway, when we came back I popped by the computer room to wake the laptop from sleep and to log into the zoom. Host didn’t let us in yet so all was good, just had to wait. 1.53pm. everyone was in and more or less seated, sonI went to click on the “join video” in the zoom. And BOOM. Laptop hanged. Force shut didn’t work and I panicked. Quickly pulled out another laptop for standby and HAHAHAHAH OMG CANT BELIEVE IT. Screen showed the familiar blue screen “Getting your Windows ready…1% complete” GGWP. 

Tried frantically to force shut the other one again but to no avail. So I quickly took my phone to log into zoom, but no visual footage cos couldnt project my phone to the projector and webcam but at least got sound right? by then I think were already 5 min late?? could hear the host talking le. i panicked more than usual. then as a last resort i went to use our linux computers. tried to download zoom but kenna blocked by network. so just tried to log into zoom using the browser. worked but couldnt join audio cos blocked by network also i guess. HAHAHHA. so pek chek. in the end i left my phone at the front while i went to sit down cos i left it running as the speaker while i played the video on the screen T.T felt so lost being unable to tinker with the phone while listening but at the same time quite surprised that iphone's speakers were quite loud hahha. 

so ya that was the end of my crazy day. proud of my quick reflexes (corporate trained yoz) and im v v v thankful the oldies were so patient! (:

I need help ):

Recently things haven’t been going too well. Made some minor mistakes at work which resulted in me having to do double work but ah wells. Then I realised my bike bell and pouch have been stolen ): I usually park at the bicycle bay outside my house where there is cctv but still somebody stole them ): not that the items are worth a lot but still, now I have to repurchase them. Sigh. And update. Bike officially spoilt after 6 months. Just jumped off a step on it and the gear went rosak lol. But at least I fully maximized its $130 value? Hahahha

And..relationship wise things haven’t been going on well with Mr L? He started playing this delete all your messages game again and I realised he deleted me from his fb too. Don’t exactly know what I did wrong and he isn’t receptive to talking about the issues too so it’s quite frustrating. Or is it cos I’m a Virgo so I need things to be very clear. But then again he’s a Virgo too :/

But there’s good things too I guess. I finally found some place that I really really like! It’s somewhat near home so that I still can go to mps (talk about hardcore right) and meet friends and it’s excellent that it’s within my budget for a condo room. I really want to take it but I’m not sure how to tell my mother I wanna move out. She def will ask the reason and how long, I can’t possibly say it’s cos of her and it will be forever. Anyone has experience to share with me on how to talk about difficult topics with your parents?

you know how people always say that if you're in one place for too long, it's just hard for you to leave and you end up being stuck there too long? usually people refer to this for career progressions, but for me it's about my parents' house. 

so previously i talked about house hunting (which i havent been very active about) truth be told ive been holding back cos im kinda like at a dilemma at it, firstly i know that they are my parents and i should be more patient with and rent in singapore is really expensive and all that but there are like many many things which trigger me time and again. like this week they kept asking me when i would be home on sunday cos they 三缺一 (eng translation: missing 1 leg for mahjong) and they keep insisting i play. i really really just wanna rest on weekends and not be forced to sit down to entertain relatives and even more so, listen to their sarcasm whenever i win or how im the only one working so i should pay for this and that and blah. the worst thing is they treat this like a religion. people laugh when i tell them my house is like a gambling den on sundays but i dont know how to express how uncomfortable i am with them being so fervent about playing every single week from afternoon to night (like 8h??) and still make a competition out of it.

i dont like being guilt-tripped (nobody does right) and it sucks even more to hear these kind of words from your own mother. and i really dont like festive celebrations cos you guessed it, they always ask for me to be home so i can entertain relatives. probably cos im the youngest and maybe still unmarried and stuck in the household i guess. and i did try to talk to my mother about it but she just dismisses it and says things like "oh they come to our house what, you dont need to go out what" like cos im in the house i have to do things that she wants. im really tired of all these

anyway so today after i went to church and had lunch and i went back home i went straight to my room and took a nap. i woke up from my nap about 8plus, but i continued to stay in my room cos i could still hear them playing outside and calling my name to go out to play cos my father who took over me was losing badly. but i just pretended to not be awake because i didnt want to go out to entertain relatives. can anyone understand that im not anti-social, i just want to have time alone and because it's relatives coming to my house i cant run away?

can someone adopt me pls ):

Long overdue post as usual. I’m not one who easily encapsulates her thoughts into coherent sentences so thank you if you’re camping here to read my year end reflections or just happened to stump across this looking for something dry to read

Warning: this post gets emo so please press the x in the corner of your browser if you don’t want any negativity during the festive season.

If I could use one word to describe 2021, it would be

Bittersweet

I concluded my last event for children’s worship two Sundays ago and it’ll probably be forever till the next one. That’s cos I “tendered my resignation” as a Sunday School teacher sometime in Sep last year.

It’s been a decision weighing on my heart for 2+ years and there was never a good time to bring it up because every time I wanna speak about it my co-teacher quits and leaves me stranded by myself. Well I could have been a douchebag and leave too but I didn’t. I guess I felt guilty because I know how shorthanded they are.

But I can’t take it anymore.

It’s been 7 years since I started teaching. That’s like longer than when I graduated and my career lol. Perhaps it’s the 7-year itch? At first it was truly passion when I “sold my soul”. I really like kids - I’ve been teaching tuition since 17 and I guess for a bit it was to get out of the youth service and away from my peers cos I really don’t have the same frequency as them.

Those long nights mad rush to prepare lesson materials on Saturday nights, frustrations that lessons don’t go your way on Sundays, when they snatch your phone to take endless selfies and key in the wrong passcode so many times that it gets locked for 1h..at first they were really ok. Was pretty drained every Sunday after lessons but when you see their faces it’s really satisfying, when they hug you and connect with you..all that I felt it was worth. At least that’s what the young me thought.

I don’t recall how things changed but I guess it amplified during covid. Along with teaching I’m in the committee as well, so we have meetings every 2 months I guess? About children activities and all that. Initially it was really ok but after that I grew sick of how pointless the meetings were cos they were always so long without agendas (like my current boss would say: this is not a working meeting, do your work before coming to the meeting). I just started to dread virtual lessons and all as well. It might be video fatigue and the whole mental health wfh I dunno hahah (throw in whatever 2021 jargon)

Anyway I just couldn’t take it anymore and I mustered the courage to tell the lead teacher-in-charge that I quit. She tried hard to persuade me to stay and asked me for the reason. Somehow I stumbled. I wasn’t comfortable in telling others I needed a mental break or that I didn’t even plan on returning even if I had that so-called break, so I lied about going to another church. Was that a white lie? Now I’m kinda forced to go to another church (which I didn’t exactly planned to) but I guess I’ll take things one step at a time from here for now.

The rest of the teacher didn’t really say anything much after hearing my “resignation”. Or maybe I just felt like the stuff they said were superficial and that they wanted me to stay cos they were shorthanded. Only one particular Teacher Amanda came to hug me and said she’ll miss me after she saw me in church two weeks ago. Then she asked me why I wanted to quit. Was it disappointment? I lied and said no. I just said I wanted a change of environment. But truth is, yes I think to some extent. I am rather disappointed.

7 years I have been teaching. I would be lying if I said I didn’t harbour any personal agenda for sacrificing my precious time for church/godly stuff. I could have been running community events, helping more people outside or even just having that extra sleep time to refresh and rejuvenate. But no, often I spend >3h prepping lessons, if there’s camp or events it’s additional time to edit photos, videos, make posters, logos etc sometimes until 3/4am in the mornings..does anyone really understand what it takes to serve unpaid work outside of your full time job for something you don’t even know you’ll get in return?

Maybe at this point you’ll think I’m a selfish person. But i guess it’s human nature to want to work for something that you desire? That ambition or even that little spark of hope in your heart that speaks to you and encourages you that it’ll work out in the end?

Or maybe it’s just my jealous nature. I’m not expecting people to understand this, but it sucks. It sucks so hard to not get what you want yet see others get it so easily by just snapping their fingers. Especially the ones whom you thought never deserved them. Or maybe God is just punishing me cos I’m judgy. I dunno and I’m too tired to second guess anymore.

Actually I’m thinking too, if I weren’t born in a Christian family would I even choose to be a Christian? I don’t know either.