you know how people always say that if you're in one place for too long, it's just hard for you to leave and you end up being stuck there too long? usually people refer to this for career progressions, but for me it's about my parents' house. 

so previously i talked about house hunting (which i havent been very active about) truth be told ive been holding back cos im kinda like at a dilemma at it, firstly i know that they are my parents and i should be more patient with and rent in singapore is really expensive and all that but there are like many many things which trigger me time and again. like this week they kept asking me when i would be home on sunday cos they 三缺一 (eng translation: missing 1 leg for mahjong) and they keep insisting i play. i really really just wanna rest on weekends and not be forced to sit down to entertain relatives and even more so, listen to their sarcasm whenever i win or how im the only one working so i should pay for this and that and blah. the worst thing is they treat this like a religion. people laugh when i tell them my house is like a gambling den on sundays but i dont know how to express how uncomfortable i am with them being so fervent about playing every single week from afternoon to night (like 8h??) and still make a competition out of it.

i dont like being guilt-tripped (nobody does right) and it sucks even more to hear these kind of words from your own mother. and i really dont like festive celebrations cos you guessed it, they always ask for me to be home so i can entertain relatives. probably cos im the youngest and maybe still unmarried and stuck in the household i guess. and i did try to talk to my mother about it but she just dismisses it and says things like "oh they come to our house what, you dont need to go out what" like cos im in the house i have to do things that she wants. im really tired of all these

anyway so today after i went to church and had lunch and i went back home i went straight to my room and took a nap. i woke up from my nap about 8plus, but i continued to stay in my room cos i could still hear them playing outside and calling my name to go out to play cos my father who took over me was losing badly. but i just pretended to not be awake because i didnt want to go out to entertain relatives. can anyone understand that im not anti-social, i just want to have time alone and because it's relatives coming to my house i cant run away?

can someone adopt me pls ):

Long overdue post as usual. I’m not one who easily encapsulates her thoughts into coherent sentences so thank you if you’re camping here to read my year end reflections or just happened to stump across this looking for something dry to read

Warning: this post gets emo so please press the x in the corner of your browser if you don’t want any negativity during the festive season.

If I could use one word to describe 2021, it would be

Bittersweet

I concluded my last event for children’s worship two Sundays ago and it’ll probably be forever till the next one. That’s cos I “tendered my resignation” as a Sunday School teacher sometime in Sep last year.

It’s been a decision weighing on my heart for 2+ years and there was never a good time to bring it up because every time I wanna speak about it my co-teacher quits and leaves me stranded by myself. Well I could have been a douchebag and leave too but I didn’t. I guess I felt guilty because I know how shorthanded they are.

But I can’t take it anymore.

It’s been 7 years since I started teaching. That’s like longer than when I graduated and my career lol. Perhaps it’s the 7-year itch? At first it was truly passion when I “sold my soul”. I really like kids - I’ve been teaching tuition since 17 and I guess for a bit it was to get out of the youth service and away from my peers cos I really don’t have the same frequency as them.

Those long nights mad rush to prepare lesson materials on Saturday nights, frustrations that lessons don’t go your way on Sundays, when they snatch your phone to take endless selfies and key in the wrong passcode so many times that it gets locked for 1h..at first they were really ok. Was pretty drained every Sunday after lessons but when you see their faces it’s really satisfying, when they hug you and connect with you..all that I felt it was worth. At least that’s what the young me thought.

I don’t recall how things changed but I guess it amplified during covid. Along with teaching I’m in the committee as well, so we have meetings every 2 months I guess? About children activities and all that. Initially it was really ok but after that I grew sick of how pointless the meetings were cos they were always so long without agendas (like my current boss would say: this is not a working meeting, do your work before coming to the meeting). I just started to dread virtual lessons and all as well. It might be video fatigue and the whole mental health wfh I dunno hahah (throw in whatever 2021 jargon)

Anyway I just couldn’t take it anymore and I mustered the courage to tell the lead teacher-in-charge that I quit. She tried hard to persuade me to stay and asked me for the reason. Somehow I stumbled. I wasn’t comfortable in telling others I needed a mental break or that I didn’t even plan on returning even if I had that so-called break, so I lied about going to another church. Was that a white lie? Now I’m kinda forced to go to another church (which I didn’t exactly planned to) but I guess I’ll take things one step at a time from here for now.

The rest of the teacher didn’t really say anything much after hearing my “resignation”. Or maybe I just felt like the stuff they said were superficial and that they wanted me to stay cos they were shorthanded. Only one particular Teacher Amanda came to hug me and said she’ll miss me after she saw me in church two weeks ago. Then she asked me why I wanted to quit. Was it disappointment? I lied and said no. I just said I wanted a change of environment. But truth is, yes I think to some extent. I am rather disappointed.

7 years I have been teaching. I would be lying if I said I didn’t harbour any personal agenda for sacrificing my precious time for church/godly stuff. I could have been running community events, helping more people outside or even just having that extra sleep time to refresh and rejuvenate. But no, often I spend >3h prepping lessons, if there’s camp or events it’s additional time to edit photos, videos, make posters, logos etc sometimes until 3/4am in the mornings..does anyone really understand what it takes to serve unpaid work outside of your full time job for something you don’t even know you’ll get in return?

Maybe at this point you’ll think I’m a selfish person. But i guess it’s human nature to want to work for something that you desire? That ambition or even that little spark of hope in your heart that speaks to you and encourages you that it’ll work out in the end?

Or maybe it’s just my jealous nature. I’m not expecting people to understand this, but it sucks. It sucks so hard to not get what you want yet see others get it so easily by just snapping their fingers. Especially the ones whom you thought never deserved them. Or maybe God is just punishing me cos I’m judgy. I dunno and I’m too tired to second guess anymore.

Actually I’m thinking too, if I weren’t born in a Christian family would I even choose to be a Christian? I don’t know either.