Thankful that it’s almost the end of March soon 🎉 its been a really crazy month with iras tax filing (albeit only 100+ employees compared to when I did 1k+), bonus budgets and all.

Many other non-work “exciting” things also happened as well like the wild boar loose in #Yishun. Made me think of when people used to summon balrogs in kerning killing all those noobs trying to PQ (only the 90s peeps would know huh lol). Thankful that the wild boar has been caught (poor piggy) and the suay woman is recovering well.

And then I also fell off my bike so I couldn’t exercise for 2 weeks 😥 so feeling fat again hahaha.

And then with work it’s almost 1 year anniversary for me. Wonder how long I’ll stay this time? But it seems like career is finally taking off for me? This was sth that I prayed about many years ago and I guess I’m grateful things have gone kinda smoothly this time round.

And last but not least, not to be greedy but can God grant me my other wish too? O.o pretty pls hahaha

So I just wanted to write about last Sat, cos it was really epic. We had the zoom for WW IWD and godma being the kan chiong spider as always, asked me to come at 10.30am to set up for the 2pm call. I had set up before so I kinda knew where everything was but it turned out that things weren’t there when I needed them to be ): the webcam was supposed to be in the store but I couldn’t find them. I was certain the projector had hdmi cable but the one I pulled out didn’t have and the laptop we always used was missing :O

After bouts of frustration and swear words I finally managed to fix everything after calling Aly and we went for lunch. We came back about 1.30pm after lunch and even bought snacks/refreshments for the talk. Godma always overbuys, but I’m kinda secretly thankful that she thinks about such stuff even for short talks like this cos tbh I don’t really care if the people coming are hungry or not cos it’s after lunch :P

Anyway, when we came back I popped by the computer room to wake the laptop from sleep and to log into the zoom. Host didn’t let us in yet so all was good, just had to wait. 1.53pm. everyone was in and more or less seated, sonI went to click on the “join video” in the zoom. And BOOM. Laptop hanged. Force shut didn’t work and I panicked. Quickly pulled out another laptop for standby and HAHAHAHAH OMG CANT BELIEVE IT. Screen showed the familiar blue screen “Getting your Windows ready…1% complete” GGWP. 

Tried frantically to force shut the other one again but to no avail. So I quickly took my phone to log into zoom, but no visual footage cos couldnt project my phone to the projector and webcam but at least got sound right? by then I think were already 5 min late?? could hear the host talking le. i panicked more than usual. then as a last resort i went to use our linux computers. tried to download zoom but kenna blocked by network. so just tried to log into zoom using the browser. worked but couldnt join audio cos blocked by network also i guess. HAHAHHA. so pek chek. in the end i left my phone at the front while i went to sit down cos i left it running as the speaker while i played the video on the screen T.T felt so lost being unable to tinker with the phone while listening but at the same time quite surprised that iphone's speakers were quite loud hahha. 

so ya that was the end of my crazy day. proud of my quick reflexes (corporate trained yoz) and im v v v thankful the oldies were so patient! (:

I need help ):

Recently things haven’t been going too well. Made some minor mistakes at work which resulted in me having to do double work but ah wells. Then I realised my bike bell and pouch have been stolen ): I usually park at the bicycle bay outside my house where there is cctv but still somebody stole them ): not that the items are worth a lot but still, now I have to repurchase them. Sigh. And update. Bike officially spoilt after 6 months. Just jumped off a step on it and the gear went rosak lol. But at least I fully maximized its $130 value? Hahahha

And..relationship wise things haven’t been going on well with Mr L? He started playing this delete all your messages game again and I realised he deleted me from his fb too. Don’t exactly know what I did wrong and he isn’t receptive to talking about the issues too so it’s quite frustrating. Or is it cos I’m a Virgo so I need things to be very clear. But then again he’s a Virgo too :/

But there’s good things too I guess. I finally found some place that I really really like! It’s somewhat near home so that I still can go to mps (talk about hardcore right) and meet friends and it’s excellent that it’s within my budget for a condo room. I really want to take it but I’m not sure how to tell my mother I wanna move out. She def will ask the reason and how long, I can’t possibly say it’s cos of her and it will be forever. Anyone has experience to share with me on how to talk about difficult topics with your parents?

you know how people always say that if you're in one place for too long, it's just hard for you to leave and you end up being stuck there too long? usually people refer to this for career progressions, but for me it's about my parents' house. 

so previously i talked about house hunting (which i havent been very active about) truth be told ive been holding back cos im kinda like at a dilemma at it, firstly i know that they are my parents and i should be more patient with and rent in singapore is really expensive and all that but there are like many many things which trigger me time and again. like this week they kept asking me when i would be home on sunday cos they 三缺一 (eng translation: missing 1 leg for mahjong) and they keep insisting i play. i really really just wanna rest on weekends and not be forced to sit down to entertain relatives and even more so, listen to their sarcasm whenever i win or how im the only one working so i should pay for this and that and blah. the worst thing is they treat this like a religion. people laugh when i tell them my house is like a gambling den on sundays but i dont know how to express how uncomfortable i am with them being so fervent about playing every single week from afternoon to night (like 8h??) and still make a competition out of it.

i dont like being guilt-tripped (nobody does right) and it sucks even more to hear these kind of words from your own mother. and i really dont like festive celebrations cos you guessed it, they always ask for me to be home so i can entertain relatives. probably cos im the youngest and maybe still unmarried and stuck in the household i guess. and i did try to talk to my mother about it but she just dismisses it and says things like "oh they come to our house what, you dont need to go out what" like cos im in the house i have to do things that she wants. im really tired of all these

anyway so today after i went to church and had lunch and i went back home i went straight to my room and took a nap. i woke up from my nap about 8plus, but i continued to stay in my room cos i could still hear them playing outside and calling my name to go out to play cos my father who took over me was losing badly. but i just pretended to not be awake because i didnt want to go out to entertain relatives. can anyone understand that im not anti-social, i just want to have time alone and because it's relatives coming to my house i cant run away?

can someone adopt me pls ):

Long overdue post as usual. I’m not one who easily encapsulates her thoughts into coherent sentences so thank you if you’re camping here to read my year end reflections or just happened to stump across this looking for something dry to read

Warning: this post gets emo so please press the x in the corner of your browser if you don’t want any negativity during the festive season.

If I could use one word to describe 2021, it would be

Bittersweet

I concluded my last event for children’s worship two Sundays ago and it’ll probably be forever till the next one. That’s cos I “tendered my resignation” as a Sunday School teacher sometime in Sep last year.

It’s been a decision weighing on my heart for 2+ years and there was never a good time to bring it up because every time I wanna speak about it my co-teacher quits and leaves me stranded by myself. Well I could have been a douchebag and leave too but I didn’t. I guess I felt guilty because I know how shorthanded they are.

But I can’t take it anymore.

It’s been 7 years since I started teaching. That’s like longer than when I graduated and my career lol. Perhaps it’s the 7-year itch? At first it was truly passion when I “sold my soul”. I really like kids - I’ve been teaching tuition since 17 and I guess for a bit it was to get out of the youth service and away from my peers cos I really don’t have the same frequency as them.

Those long nights mad rush to prepare lesson materials on Saturday nights, frustrations that lessons don’t go your way on Sundays, when they snatch your phone to take endless selfies and key in the wrong passcode so many times that it gets locked for 1h..at first they were really ok. Was pretty drained every Sunday after lessons but when you see their faces it’s really satisfying, when they hug you and connect with you..all that I felt it was worth. At least that’s what the young me thought.

I don’t recall how things changed but I guess it amplified during covid. Along with teaching I’m in the committee as well, so we have meetings every 2 months I guess? About children activities and all that. Initially it was really ok but after that I grew sick of how pointless the meetings were cos they were always so long without agendas (like my current boss would say: this is not a working meeting, do your work before coming to the meeting). I just started to dread virtual lessons and all as well. It might be video fatigue and the whole mental health wfh I dunno hahah (throw in whatever 2021 jargon)

Anyway I just couldn’t take it anymore and I mustered the courage to tell the lead teacher-in-charge that I quit. She tried hard to persuade me to stay and asked me for the reason. Somehow I stumbled. I wasn’t comfortable in telling others I needed a mental break or that I didn’t even plan on returning even if I had that so-called break, so I lied about going to another church. Was that a white lie? Now I’m kinda forced to go to another church (which I didn’t exactly planned to) but I guess I’ll take things one step at a time from here for now.

The rest of the teacher didn’t really say anything much after hearing my “resignation”. Or maybe I just felt like the stuff they said were superficial and that they wanted me to stay cos they were shorthanded. Only one particular Teacher Amanda came to hug me and said she’ll miss me after she saw me in church two weeks ago. Then she asked me why I wanted to quit. Was it disappointment? I lied and said no. I just said I wanted a change of environment. But truth is, yes I think to some extent. I am rather disappointed.

7 years I have been teaching. I would be lying if I said I didn’t harbour any personal agenda for sacrificing my precious time for church/godly stuff. I could have been running community events, helping more people outside or even just having that extra sleep time to refresh and rejuvenate. But no, often I spend >3h prepping lessons, if there’s camp or events it’s additional time to edit photos, videos, make posters, logos etc sometimes until 3/4am in the mornings..does anyone really understand what it takes to serve unpaid work outside of your full time job for something you don’t even know you’ll get in return?

Maybe at this point you’ll think I’m a selfish person. But i guess it’s human nature to want to work for something that you desire? That ambition or even that little spark of hope in your heart that speaks to you and encourages you that it’ll work out in the end?

Or maybe it’s just my jealous nature. I’m not expecting people to understand this, but it sucks. It sucks so hard to not get what you want yet see others get it so easily by just snapping their fingers. Especially the ones whom you thought never deserved them. Or maybe God is just punishing me cos I’m judgy. I dunno and I’m too tired to second guess anymore.

Actually I’m thinking too, if I weren’t born in a Christian family would I even choose to be a Christian? I don’t know either.

 (this has been sitting in my drafts for 2 weeks now)

so i went house hunting today [the sat i wrote this]. am i considered an adult now? :O i sourced the houses through propertyguru. though my dream home location is somewhere near the right fringe i still wanted somewhere close to yishun for now. so many thoughts about house hunting for the first time.

for starters, i didnt know what qn to ask. when you first approach the agent through whatsapp about house viewing they usually have a template of questions to ask you. like your name, age, citizenship, how long you wanna rent for, how soon you can move in, your occupation etc. initially i was thinking if i should lie about my occupation, just say a random office role or whatever but i didnt and went ahead with my actual job. i mean not that my job is embarrassing or indecent, i rather avoid so that i dont get any unnecessary request for consult

well there wasnt much issues with my so-called applications for house viewing except that one agent rejected my request because i was fully WFH. at the start i was ?? and even angry when she explained the reason for rejection but i was like whatever. perhaps it's not going to be that feeling if i were desperately looking for somewhere.

anyway the first hosue i viewed was somewhere in Zone G. i cycled there and yes, i got lost as usual though i kinda frequented that place >.< i was late for 5min so the agent was already waiting for me at the lift lobby. i quietly crept behind him and parked my bike but he saw me in the end, looking so shabby :/ the house belonged to his secondary school friend who was a single parent taxi driver supporting his daughter. and he fostered dogs!! aww so cute and he was really such a kind person. i was asking him if he were okay with me fully wfh, cos some owners were not okay due to the increase in usage and electricity for aircon etc and he very layman-ly chided those owners on my behalf (': but overall the house wasnt to my liking as it had an altar and i think he smoked but he's such a nice dude i hope God or Buddha blesses him somehow.

the second house was nearer to the mrt at blk 83X. mid-floor, also being rented out by a single parent. but this lady owner was in a better position so to speak. she look relatively young yet was retired and her son was part-time studying/full-time working. i kinda liked the room (it was bigger than the zone g one) and the house was rather cooling amidst the sullen weather. but i didnt give a reply to the agent in the end (nor did he chase) but as i sat in wildwood cafe that day for lunch, i was thinking about what i exactly wanted. it wasnt about money per se, or was it? i didnt know exactly. just grateful for the eye-opening experiences i guess. 

what does your birthday say about you?

mine says..that im a very private, individualistic and independent person. though im not a strong believer of horoscope i would probably say that's quite accurate of my character

i'm typically not a big fan of birthdays and celebrations and definitely not one who does like "im grateful for being born" kinda posts on birthdays

tbh i wasnt like that last time

looking back at all my hidden posts i would say i have changed. a lot. more solemn? probably more stoic. and definitely more private.

i dunno.

what changed?

life?

maybe the things ive seen and experience have changed me. is it for the better? i dunno

but am i proud? of the 29 years i achieved? maybe? maybe not. i used to dream that i would be so much more when i reached this age. married with a kid or two. climbing the career ladder. or working overseas in somewhere cool. never would i tot that my birthday wish would be for the people around me to stop dying i guess. 

im sorry if it sounds morbid but this is exactly the kind of thing i cant openly say when people ask me what my birthday wish is. i cant cry and tell people if wishes could come true, i wish there would be no illnesses in the world, that people wont suffer and fall ill.

im sorry for being private about such matters but i dunno how to explain and open up to others. if i have real birthday wishes, i hope people never get to see the paleness of a dead body; a sight that never get erased from your memory no matter how tired you are and how your eyes are closing. the sight of your mother bawling her eyes out - the same woman who is strong enough to survive 2 cancer relapses; i hope people never have to see their loved ones suffer in hospital beds or lose so much weight or just have refluxes from all the medicine they have to take and you just cant do anything to help them.

i wish: people never have to experience loss and death ):

and my condolences to the family of 14-year-old girl who jumped. i know the pain you feel. i really do. i know what it means when you say it never goes away, it will always be on your heart. i do. ive been there too.