Happy New Year!
Why is the new year always happy? haha
2019 was a terrible year tbh. so many unexpected things happened..it feels like i cant seem to get a break from bad things..
it was a year of struggles. other than the usual struggles with my inner demons, there were times where i also struggled with faith, my future, my beliefs..
there were so many things i didnt understand, that i wanted to know the reasons behind, but was left stranded and clueless. i actually hate it when people say that God has a plan for you. if His plan is to make me unhappy, i dont want it. i dont want and dont like it when things go wrong. perhaps im just negative :/
and there were so many times i felt so hopeless and disappointed that i had to cry myself to sleep at the desperation of being unable to find answers
it sucks that i feel a lot inside, though i may act cool and cold on the outside, in actual fact im burying my emotions, can anyone tell?
it also sucks that i am very competitive and jealous - i am super afraid to lose out to others and i often am
it seems like nothing i do is making me become a better person. i still fail i still disappoint and i still meet toxic people. how is that others seem to get their lives in shape at the tender age of 15? to meet the perfect partner, to have family who actually care and understand you..i want that too but it's not possible
people say i put too much expectations of myself but it's not true. i just want a job which i love, a loving family, to not meet toxic people and for people around me to stop being sick and to stop dying.
perhaps maybe if we were in the Good Place we'll never feel sad/angry/tired/disappointed again. like eleanor says, only when we stop having debts/worries/troubles can we then focus on being better people i guess
it's really been a tiring year but i guess im ready to start anew
May the tears you cried in 2019 water the seeds you’re planting for 2020
p.s. just realized this photo is blur!
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