just learned about the death of a friend through a short catch up with another old friend ): apparently it happened about 9 months ago and i didnt know about it
i cant imagine what it must been like for the family. it's so hard to talk about it even as friends. i rmb how i was telling my mother a few years back about leo's passing and bawling about it cos he really meant a lot to me (as a big bro) and my mother was very impatient about my sobbings she said in chinese: "everyone knows someone who died, what's the big deal" and i felt it was very insensitive of her to say so cos nobody my age is supposed to die unnaturally. my age is supposed to be (nearing) the prime - where people get married, start new careers, start their lives proper and have great dreams ):
i cant imagine how much chels must have been suffering if she could just take her life like that )): she seemed like a simple happy girl back in school )): and im sorry that i couldnt be there for her in the times she needed someone most ):
it made me wonder also, if anyone could detect unhappiness in the posts you write, the instastories you share and actually reach out to you? if you here are reading my posts now would you know if i were suffering from depression?
and one more thing that came to mind:
death is always a reminder that the things we face when we are living are trivial. like ytd i was very upset at W and the things he said to me and i drafted my thoughts about how his words affected me but i guess it's really nth now. what and why am i holding grudges for when there are people holding their last will to live? holding on their desperate call for someone to care and understand them? ):
we need to cherish EVERY.SINGLE.DAY
we will miss you chels ): hope you're happier in God's arms ):
p.s it's funny how i actually met the brother of chels first, and how i was literally friends with her for a year or more before i realized that they were siblings, despite the similarity of their rare surnames! (yes sounds so stupid i know)
Friday, February 7, 2020
Monday, February 3, 2020
Shared this on my fb but just wanna share this here too in case it gets covered by other random fb stuff that i share.
1 is the most true for me i guess. i ghostpeople guys a lot. i unconsciously do. its like there's this invisible line where once you get closer things will start to get awkward. then i'll start backing away. it's funny how i do that to people but actually i never wondered if anyone does that to me. probably so?
1 is the most true for me i guess. i ghost
and
i dont like how people guys can say sth to you over text but in real life they act like so normal. it's awkward cos im very affected by the text and i dont want to see them in person but somehow i still do but the guy acts like nth happened. i really dont like uncertainty. okay im talking about a particular someone but in 1 year time it'll probably not be impt anymore. okay goodnight btw it's a palindromic date today 02022020 (:
Why Dating As A Millennial Is So Screwed Up
When we were younger, romantic relationships seemed so much simpler. If we liked someone, we told them — and if they felt the same, we got together. These days, things are endlessly more complicated and frustrating, and dating as a millennial is seriously screwed up.
1. WE GHOST AS A WAY TO END THINGS.
If we’re no longer interested in someone, we don’t need to tell them — we simply stop responding. If someone did this to us in real life, it would be completely psychotic, but because it’s over text or an instant message, we’ve somehow resigned ourselves to thinking it’s OK. Newsflash: it’s totally not. Even in the golden ages, the “Dear John” letter was left on the table in the foyer, but now, we’re lucky if you even get a typed string of characters saying “I’m sorry, it’s not working.”
2. WE’RE HYPER-FOCUSED ON SEX.
Sex is scarily available — we can have it simply with the swipe of a finger. There’s zero effort made into getting to know someone for who they truly are unless we’re willing to undress and show the most sacred parts of ourselves first. And most of the time, sex doesn’t lead to a relationship — it leads to heartache, confusion and another one-night stand with the next person.
3. WE’RE IN A COMPETITION OF WHO CAN CARE THE LEAST.
Showing actual emotions is heavily frowned upon. If we show our cards and act like we’re interested, it leaves the person we’re affectionate about turned off and running in the opposite direction instead of being flattered that we actually give a crap about them. There’s little gratitude for honest and happy emotions.
4. WE’RE TOO STRATEGIC ABOUT OUR RESPONES.
Responding right away comes across as desperate and too available. It’s amazing how millennials view the luxury of having instant access to communication as something we need to treat as if we’re still using carrier pigeons. Instant messaging is just that — it’s instant — but we still withhold our response times to try and show just how busy, important, and unattached we are. What backwards and BS logic.
5. WE EXPECT A PERFECTION THAT DOESN’T EXIST.Social media and thousands of dating profiles shoved in our faces leads us to believe we’re entitled a fairy tale life that doesn’t truly exist. We write people off for a minor detail and quickly look for the next best thing that we’ll somehow also find flaws in. Nothing is ever good enough for millennials. We fail to realize that relationships are a balanced bond and that with the amazing things come imperfections as well.
6. WE’RE OVERLOADED WITH OPTIONS.
We don’t believe we need to settle on anything because there’s always someone better looking with a better family life, better hobbies or someone with a better bank account. We move from person to person and even if we land on someone that makes us feel great and we could totally devote ourselves to in a relationship, we’re never quite willing to give up the search. The never-ending journey becomes more exhilarating than the actual prize itself.
7. WE’VE BECOME CONTENT WITH BEING ALONE.
While we’ve been navigating the journey to find love, we’ve consequently committed our lives to ourselves and made them into something that’s happy and rewarding without someone to love, which means it’s that much harder to invite a relationship into our lives. We’re fine on our own, so we won’t leave our comfort zones for anyone. Sometimes we even find minor and trivial reasons not to because we’re secretly happy with things just the way they are.
8. WE’RE ALWAYS STUCK IN A GREY AREA.
Almost relationships and no strings attached sex are the millennial versions of commitment. We’re left constantly wondering where relationships are headed, if anywhere, and plague ourselves with wondering if we’re wasting our time. No one is clear about their intentions, some lie about their intentions entirely just to have their ego’s stroked for a while, and basically no one has any clue wtf is going on.
9. WE DON’T FEEL ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE PAIN WE INFLICT ON TO OTHERS.
When we’ve hurt someone’s feelings, we don’t feel even the slightest bit inclined to apologize or to make good on our wrongs. It’s not our problem — it’s theirs. A person’s emotions, even if caused by something we did or said, is up to them to resolve. We feel entitled to walk around acting like complete losers with the expectation that the way it’s received is a reflection of the person we dump our stuff on and nothing to do with the fact that we were the cruel ones.
10. WE’RE ALL JADED AS HELL.
Trust is severely lacking in our dating culture. We’re in the thick of a hookup culture that values sex more than love, temporary fulfillment instead of life-long commitment and lazy ass communication that often gets lost in translation. We’re all so confused by our own pasts, and with heaps of more stuff constantly being added to the pile, we’re all becoming more and more jaded than ever before. We don’t even trust that love exists anymore because all we’re constantly met with disappointment. Dating as a millennial is like being in an apocalypse of love — and it’s pretty screwed up.
https://www.bolde.com/dating-millennial-screwed/
Why Dating As A Millennial Is So Screwed Up
When we were younger, romantic relationships seemed so much simpler. If we liked someone, we told them — and if they felt the same, we got together. These days, things are endlessly more complicated and frustrating, and dating as a millennial is seriously screwed up.
1. WE GHOST AS A WAY TO END THINGS.
If we’re no longer interested in someone, we don’t need to tell them — we simply stop responding. If someone did this to us in real life, it would be completely psychotic, but because it’s over text or an instant message, we’ve somehow resigned ourselves to thinking it’s OK. Newsflash: it’s totally not. Even in the golden ages, the “Dear John” letter was left on the table in the foyer, but now, we’re lucky if you even get a typed string of characters saying “I’m sorry, it’s not working.”
2. WE’RE HYPER-FOCUSED ON SEX.
Sex is scarily available — we can have it simply with the swipe of a finger. There’s zero effort made into getting to know someone for who they truly are unless we’re willing to undress and show the most sacred parts of ourselves first. And most of the time, sex doesn’t lead to a relationship — it leads to heartache, confusion and another one-night stand with the next person.
3. WE’RE IN A COMPETITION OF WHO CAN CARE THE LEAST.
Showing actual emotions is heavily frowned upon. If we show our cards and act like we’re interested, it leaves the person we’re affectionate about turned off and running in the opposite direction instead of being flattered that we actually give a crap about them. There’s little gratitude for honest and happy emotions.
4. WE’RE TOO STRATEGIC ABOUT OUR RESPONES.
Responding right away comes across as desperate and too available. It’s amazing how millennials view the luxury of having instant access to communication as something we need to treat as if we’re still using carrier pigeons. Instant messaging is just that — it’s instant — but we still withhold our response times to try and show just how busy, important, and unattached we are. What backwards and BS logic.
5. WE EXPECT A PERFECTION THAT DOESN’T EXIST.Social media and thousands of dating profiles shoved in our faces leads us to believe we’re entitled a fairy tale life that doesn’t truly exist. We write people off for a minor detail and quickly look for the next best thing that we’ll somehow also find flaws in. Nothing is ever good enough for millennials. We fail to realize that relationships are a balanced bond and that with the amazing things come imperfections as well.
6. WE’RE OVERLOADED WITH OPTIONS.
We don’t believe we need to settle on anything because there’s always someone better looking with a better family life, better hobbies or someone with a better bank account. We move from person to person and even if we land on someone that makes us feel great and we could totally devote ourselves to in a relationship, we’re never quite willing to give up the search. The never-ending journey becomes more exhilarating than the actual prize itself.
7. WE’VE BECOME CONTENT WITH BEING ALONE.
While we’ve been navigating the journey to find love, we’ve consequently committed our lives to ourselves and made them into something that’s happy and rewarding without someone to love, which means it’s that much harder to invite a relationship into our lives. We’re fine on our own, so we won’t leave our comfort zones for anyone. Sometimes we even find minor and trivial reasons not to because we’re secretly happy with things just the way they are.
8. WE’RE ALWAYS STUCK IN A GREY AREA.
Almost relationships and no strings attached sex are the millennial versions of commitment. We’re left constantly wondering where relationships are headed, if anywhere, and plague ourselves with wondering if we’re wasting our time. No one is clear about their intentions, some lie about their intentions entirely just to have their ego’s stroked for a while, and basically no one has any clue wtf is going on.
9. WE DON’T FEEL ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE PAIN WE INFLICT ON TO OTHERS.
When we’ve hurt someone’s feelings, we don’t feel even the slightest bit inclined to apologize or to make good on our wrongs. It’s not our problem — it’s theirs. A person’s emotions, even if caused by something we did or said, is up to them to resolve. We feel entitled to walk around acting like complete losers with the expectation that the way it’s received is a reflection of the person we dump our stuff on and nothing to do with the fact that we were the cruel ones.
10. WE’RE ALL JADED AS HELL.
Trust is severely lacking in our dating culture. We’re in the thick of a hookup culture that values sex more than love, temporary fulfillment instead of life-long commitment and lazy ass communication that often gets lost in translation. We’re all so confused by our own pasts, and with heaps of more stuff constantly being added to the pile, we’re all becoming more and more jaded than ever before. We don’t even trust that love exists anymore because all we’re constantly met with disappointment. Dating as a millennial is like being in an apocalypse of love — and it’s pretty screwed up.
What if I never get over?
What if I never get closure?
What if I never get back all the wasted words I told ya?
What if it never gets better?
What if this lasts forever and ever and ever?
And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?
Lady Antebellum
What if I never get closure?
What if I never get back all the wasted words I told ya?
What if it never gets better?
What if this lasts forever and ever and ever?
And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?
Lady Antebellum
Friday, January 31, 2020
disappointed at how singaporeans are acting at the wuhan crisis.
why govt never ban all china tourists?
china deserves it, always eating disgusting stuff
why govt never provide masks?
why govt never quarantine all those who come back from china?
why govt never control the price of masks?
why govt never do this do that?
and even when now the news have reported that govt will be providing masks to every household,
WHY GOVT ONLY GIVE 4 MASKS?
WHY GOVT MAKE ME GO AND COLLECT FROM RC?
WHY GOVT NEVER MAIL MASK TO MY HOUSE?
gosh. people need to grow up. it's really sad to see singaporeans being so ungrateful. we live in a modern world yet our thoughts seem so backward. so much for trying to be a first-world country when we dont have first-class citizens. and even when barbie hsu managed to get hold of 10,000 pcs of masks and shipped them to wuhan, she was bombarded by her fellow taiwanese saying that she's a betrayer. seriously? lending help to those in need is a good virtue. she's right to say that she hopes her child wont grow up to be a b*****d. i remember how lhl was saying singapore's unity is our first line of defence and im apprehensive that we will even survive the next 5 years. be grateful, singaporeans. you wont find another govt like ours.
why govt never ban all china tourists?
china deserves it, always eating disgusting stuff
why govt never provide masks?
why govt never quarantine all those who come back from china?
why govt never control the price of masks?
why govt never do this do that?
and even when now the news have reported that govt will be providing masks to every household,
WHY GOVT ONLY GIVE 4 MASKS?
WHY GOVT MAKE ME GO AND COLLECT FROM RC?
WHY GOVT NEVER MAIL MASK TO MY HOUSE?
gosh. people need to grow up. it's really sad to see singaporeans being so ungrateful. we live in a modern world yet our thoughts seem so backward. so much for trying to be a first-world country when we dont have first-class citizens. and even when barbie hsu managed to get hold of 10,000 pcs of masks and shipped them to wuhan, she was bombarded by her fellow taiwanese saying that she's a betrayer. seriously? lending help to those in need is a good virtue. she's right to say that she hopes her child wont grow up to be a b*****d. i remember how lhl was saying singapore's unity is our first line of defence and im apprehensive that we will even survive the next 5 years. be grateful, singaporeans. you wont find another govt like ours.
Monday, January 6, 2020
crashed csc's teambonding today at nacli heh
we started off with a little bit of ice breaking where we had to sit in two circles (one inner and one outer - facing each other). we had one piece of coloured paper each then we exchanged our papers with the partner sitting opposite us and started drawing. first was just the outline of the partner's face. then after that was done, the outer circle rotated (like speed dating) for 6 times, each time drawing another part of the face (hair, eyes, nose, mouth, ears..so you can imagine 6 different face parts drawn by 6 different people and the end result...totally alien HAHAHHA. i threw mine away already cos so ugly >.<
okay that was just for laughs. but before the actual games started the facilitator was talking about the 3 selves we have - 1. the private self whom we are very well aware of, 2. the public self whom we show to others, and 3. the perceived self whom others view us as, which can be different from the private/public self. reminds me a lot of sociology class where we discussed about identities and all hmm.
then we went down for the actual activities. the first activity was at this "panda forest" place with lots of thick bamboo poles hence the name. it was kinda like a blind leading the blind game cos we were all blindfolded and we had to walk together in a caterpillar formation to find the different checkpoints. hahha not fun bleh >.< but it was supposed to teach about leadership i guess
the second game was much better. we had to make "rafts" using planks to retrieve hula hoops thrown in the grass..with the usual taboos like cannot fall into the grass etc else got penalty. during the programne debrief the facilitator asked one of the guys who he felt went out of his/her comfort zone the most and he said me? cos i apparently did a "gymnastics" stunt during the game when the facilitator took away some of our planks to make the game more difficult hmph and he said that he was surprised i picked up the planks and all. i was like the "gym stunt" was actually not out of my comfort zone, do i look that dainty? haha. hmm. and the facilitator reminded me of the perceived/private self - maybe i do give off a princess vibe :O
but overall very touched that the csc team was very welcoming (': im still undecided whether i would join but glad to know that there's this passionate strong group of people serving the community. jiayou guys!
p.s. we went to the Sembawang hot spring later and was captured on UFM 100.3's live video! :O jodie was washing jo's back with the hot spring water cos he had back pain and i was helping to pull his shirt up :O :O unglam moments LOL
we started off with a little bit of ice breaking where we had to sit in two circles (one inner and one outer - facing each other). we had one piece of coloured paper each then we exchanged our papers with the partner sitting opposite us and started drawing. first was just the outline of the partner's face. then after that was done, the outer circle rotated (like speed dating) for 6 times, each time drawing another part of the face (hair, eyes, nose, mouth, ears..so you can imagine 6 different face parts drawn by 6 different people and the end result...totally alien HAHAHHA. i threw mine away already cos so ugly >.<
okay that was just for laughs. but before the actual games started the facilitator was talking about the 3 selves we have - 1. the private self whom we are very well aware of, 2. the public self whom we show to others, and 3. the perceived self whom others view us as, which can be different from the private/public self. reminds me a lot of sociology class where we discussed about identities and all hmm.
then we went down for the actual activities. the first activity was at this "panda forest" place with lots of thick bamboo poles hence the name. it was kinda like a blind leading the blind game cos we were all blindfolded and we had to walk together in a caterpillar formation to find the different checkpoints. hahha not fun bleh >.< but it was supposed to teach about leadership i guess
the second game was much better. we had to make "rafts" using planks to retrieve hula hoops thrown in the grass..with the usual taboos like cannot fall into the grass etc else got penalty. during the programne debrief the facilitator asked one of the guys who he felt went out of his/her comfort zone the most and he said me? cos i apparently did a "gymnastics" stunt during the game when the facilitator took away some of our planks to make the game more difficult hmph and he said that he was surprised i picked up the planks and all. i was like the "gym stunt" was actually not out of my comfort zone, do i look that dainty? haha. hmm. and the facilitator reminded me of the perceived/private self - maybe i do give off a princess vibe :O
but overall very touched that the csc team was very welcoming (': im still undecided whether i would join but glad to know that there's this passionate strong group of people serving the community. jiayou guys!
p.s. we went to the Sembawang hot spring later and was captured on UFM 100.3's live video! :O jodie was washing jo's back with the hot spring water cos he had back pain and i was helping to pull his shirt up :O :O unglam moments LOL
Thursday, January 2, 2020
Happy New Year!
Why is the new year always happy? haha
2019 was a terrible year tbh. so many unexpected things happened..it feels like i cant seem to get a break from bad things..
it was a year of struggles. other than the usual struggles with my inner demons, there were times where i also struggled with faith, my future, my beliefs..
there were so many things i didnt understand, that i wanted to know the reasons behind, but was left stranded and clueless. i actually hate it when people say that God has a plan for you. if His plan is to make me unhappy, i dont want it. i dont want and dont like it when things go wrong. perhaps im just negative :/
and there were so many times i felt so hopeless and disappointed that i had to cry myself to sleep at the desperation of being unable to find answers
it sucks that i feel a lot inside, though i may act cool and cold on the outside, in actual fact im burying my emotions, can anyone tell?
it also sucks that i am very competitive and jealous - i am super afraid to lose out to others and i often am
it seems like nothing i do is making me become a better person. i still fail i still disappoint and i still meet toxic people. how is that others seem to get their lives in shape at the tender age of 15? to meet the perfect partner, to have family who actually care and understand you..i want that too but it's not possible
people say i put too much expectations of myself but it's not true. i just want a job which i love, a loving family, to not meet toxic people and for people around me to stop being sick and to stop dying.
perhaps maybe if we were in the Good Place we'll never feel sad/angry/tired/disappointed again. like eleanor says, only when we stop having debts/worries/troubles can we then focus on being better people i guess
it's really been a tiring year but i guess im ready to start anew
May the tears you cried in 2019 water the seeds you’re planting for 2020
p.s. just realized this photo is blur!
Sunday, December 15, 2019
Insomnia woes again. time check. it's 4.37am. been trying to get to sleep for the past 3h but cant. meh.
there's lots of thoughts on my mind. mostly triggered by the early "merry xmas-es" that people have been wishing. it's 16 days to the end of a decade!!! where has all the time gone? i still remember myself celebrating end of 2018 at nss with the usual fireworks and then setting 2019 goals....out of which i have only completed one? >.<
in retrospect it hasnt been a great year. it started out okay then things started going downhill from halfway..july and august were the hardest months for me. a lot of unexpected stuff happened but..ah wells. time to move on.
on the other hand, had a lot of self-care and self-check moments this year. i used to wish i could be more mature but this year im going to ask for self-sustenance instead. this topic came up when i was having a convo with the mentor Alan. i thought being mature meant being able to take in others' comments without being judgemental, and to know the right thing to do at the right time and making sure that others did the same, but he asked me why i was so bothered with others not doing the right thing. he said that i should accept things the way they are, that they happened and that i wont be able to change things, nor that i need to change things.
there were lots of times i nearly gave up this year. with the kids, with work, with friends, with family with life. there were lots of times i felt so burnt out i just wanted to run away. but i got through them and this is going to make me a stronger person i hope? not hoping much for the rest of 2019, just want it to be peaceful.
may 2020 be a better year (:
there's lots of thoughts on my mind. mostly triggered by the early "merry xmas-es" that people have been wishing. it's 16 days to the end of a decade!!! where has all the time gone? i still remember myself celebrating end of 2018 at nss with the usual fireworks and then setting 2019 goals....out of which i have only completed one? >.<
in retrospect it hasnt been a great year. it started out okay then things started going downhill from halfway..july and august were the hardest months for me. a lot of unexpected stuff happened but..ah wells. time to move on.
on the other hand, had a lot of self-care and self-check moments this year. i used to wish i could be more mature but this year im going to ask for self-sustenance instead. this topic came up when i was having a convo with the mentor Alan. i thought being mature meant being able to take in others' comments without being judgemental, and to know the right thing to do at the right time and making sure that others did the same, but he asked me why i was so bothered with others not doing the right thing. he said that i should accept things the way they are, that they happened and that i wont be able to change things, nor that i need to change things.
there were lots of times i nearly gave up this year. with the kids, with work, with friends, with family with life. there were lots of times i felt so burnt out i just wanted to run away. but i got through them and this is going to make me a stronger person i hope? not hoping much for the rest of 2019, just want it to be peaceful.
may 2020 be a better year (:
Thursday, December 5, 2019
Does God want you to be happy?
https://thoughtcatalog.com/marisa-donnelly/2018/01/sometimes-god-uses-the-tough-moments-to-bring-us-back-to-him/
ive been struggling with this for a while now. it seems like the more i do the more unhappy i am.
it just seems like bad stuff never stop coming. been serving for so long but it doesnt get me where i want to be. no good job no good relationships no promotion but still having insomnia still fat still breaking out omg zzz
funny how you always say this is your worst year but then you get through it and the next year becomes your worst year. will there ever be a good year?
https://thoughtcatalog.com/marisa-donnelly/2018/01/sometimes-god-uses-the-tough-moments-to-bring-us-back-to-him/
ive been struggling with this for a while now. it seems like the more i do the more unhappy i am.
it just seems like bad stuff never stop coming. been serving for so long but it doesnt get me where i want to be. no good job no good relationships no promotion but still having insomnia still fat still breaking out omg zzz
funny how you always say this is your worst year but then you get through it and the next year becomes your worst year. will there ever be a good year?
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