Insomnia woes again. time check. it's 4.37am. been trying to get to sleep for the past 3h but cant. meh.

there's lots of thoughts on my mind. mostly triggered by the early "merry xmas-es" that people have been wishing. it's 16 days to the end of a decade!!! where has all the time gone? i still remember myself celebrating end of 2018 at nss with the usual fireworks and then setting 2019 goals....out of which i have only completed one? >.<

in retrospect it hasnt been a great year. it started out okay then things started going downhill from halfway..july and august were the hardest months for me. a lot of unexpected stuff happened but..ah wells. time to move on.

on the other hand, had a lot of self-care and self-check moments this year. i used to wish i could be more mature but this year im going to ask for self-sustenance instead. this topic came up when i was having a convo with the mentor Alan. i thought being mature meant being able to take in others' comments without being judgemental, and to know the right thing to do at the right time and making sure that others did the same, but he asked me why i was so bothered with others not doing the right thing. he said that i should accept things the way they are, that they happened and that i wont be able to change things, nor that i need to change things.

there were lots of times i nearly gave up this year. with the kids, with work, with friends, with family with life. there were lots of times i felt so burnt out i just wanted to run away. but i got through them and this is going to make me a stronger person i hope? not hoping much for the rest of 2019, just want it to be peaceful.

may 2020 be a better year (:

Does God want you to be happy?

https://thoughtcatalog.com/marisa-donnelly/2018/01/sometimes-god-uses-the-tough-moments-to-bring-us-back-to-him/

ive been struggling with this for a while now. it seems like the more i do the more unhappy i am.
it just seems like bad stuff never stop coming. been serving for so long but it doesnt get me where i want to be. no good job no good relationships no promotion but still having insomnia still fat still breaking out omg zzz

funny how you always say this is your worst year but then you get through it and the next year becomes your worst year. will there ever be a good year?

introduced my mum to the hk drama the Ghetto-Fabulous Lady starring Adia Chan. it's a twisted and dark drama but i really liked it because it accurately portrays the ugly nature of humans. how humans are forced by circumstances to do certain things that their natural and rational selves wouldnt, the real divide between the upper class and the lower class (which is not money!),  how it's so scary to be uneducated and how the only way to progress out of the vicious cycle of poverty is to grab hold of opportunities (be it against your morals, and with much criticism and hate from those around you) else accept life and continue being used by those in power.

the drama plot is still acting out in reality here, we still have "uneducated" people and what they do is just to complain about how life has unfairly dealt the cards and that they are entitled to "benefits" and "hand-outs" by the "richer" ones just because they are richer. but the truth is, being born poor is one thing, being ignorant is another. its infuriating how there are some people who feel like the country/people around them owe them a living, and they conveniently forget how they are able to receive help is because the "richer", more "blessed" ones WANT to offer their help and it's not a given because we are living in a democratic/meritocratic world and not a communist world.

i felt in particular the most for Jeannie Chan and her mysterious/secretive past. it was really intense character development for her role and i think she said in an interview that she hated this role cos of all the negativity the character felt. one thing i felt the most alike was the fact that true empathy is not about understanding the other party's circumstances and being in the person's shoes, but rather true empathy is doing everything for the person such that he/she will never be in the same situation you ever went through ):

some parts very drama (as usual la) but towards the end when the story unfolds you'll just feel sad (and empty) ): and one question the drama will leave you pondering is, is it possible to stay morally upright and honest all your life?

p.s long overdue post! i actually started this 3 weeks ago and it's been lying in my draft since..

of conversations and commitments

had a lot of good conversations last week (ie 13 Oct)
last week the kiddos went to jewel to celebrate children's day and i didnt tag along so i had a good 2h of peace and mental freedom to myself after service (do you know rare it is hahha) anyway i decided to go to toast box to sit and chill. but before that i met grace, a junior who's about 5 (?) years younger than me. known her for a while since lishi days; she's a very strong girl - she's from a single parent family and her mum passed away when she was in sec school leaving only her younger brother and her ): she's been staying with her aunt since whom she treats as her godma aww but she isnt very negative about life and still keeps her smile on always (: anyway she's in SMU year 3 now so sometimes she will come ask me for advice on school stuff. now she's interning and so that day she saw me at teabreak and wanted to catch up with me on life. she's quite cute she was very anxious about working life because she said at cell group all the working people were praying about politics in the workplace hahhaha so she was asking me a lot of questions. our talk was brief cos she had to go for class but nonetheless meaningful

then after that i walked back to the carpark and sat down to wait for my uncle then ailin laoshi came over to sit with me and she started asking about my serving in the community cos she saw my photo with ms lee and how she admired that and i also complimented her on her serving cos i saw her face plastered on her company van (her company is a elderly healthcare provider) HAHA and then we had a very deep convo on society, on the deserving/entitled people we meet while serving and more. i sometimes wish i could talk to my mum on that kind of level hahha but anyway just very glad to have her as one of the mentorly figures i could always approach in life (': i rmb after jc while choosing uni courses she was so supportive of my decision she kept urging me to talk to her son about it cos her son was in the course i badly wanted whereas my mum would only tell me to stop living in my unicorn flamingo world meh [cos they're both pinkish sort of and i actually have at least 3 flamingo items haha]  :/ anyway i didnt get into my dream course but i moved on so let bygones by bygones. meh.

but overall it was really a good week mentally (': really appreciate 1 on 1 conversations with people ((:

okay gotta write this down while i still remember most of the details...

had a dream on sunday night. couldnt rmb much of it when i woke up cos i think the dream was ending but here was roughly part of it.

3 characters in my dream. myself, angel my colleague (60% sure was her) and one more character which was possibly violet (?) another colleague of mine but i rmb the girl was dressed in a white cardigan which is not her style. anyway the topic was on where to eat for lunch (which is our usual daily topic LOL) and someone mentioned suntec city. kinda weird cos suntec is so far from my office and i dont like to eat there cos i always get lost in that stupid mall. so "violet" was asking how to get to suntec and we were on the phone i think and angel said to ask violet to come to meet us (me and her) first then we will walk over together. and the weird thing was, i rmb angel standing at this particular spot between the sheltered pathway and the overhead bridge outside my house. so exact spot haha

then after that i think violet hasnt appeared (though i rmb her in the white cardigan?) so me and angel were walking in the direction towards my house. and as we approached my house there was this japanese shrine/altar outside my house. cant really describe the shrine/altar but i vividly rmb there was this green hanging cloth and there was a japanese word printed on it. and then again this white cardigan girl appeared in front of the shrine/altar and she was kneeling on one of the many light brown kneeling pads which had also mysteriously appeared. but this time i was very sure the white cardigan (+ flower dress i think) girl wasnt violet though she was back-facing me. and then i just woke up cos my alarm rang haha

so many weird scenarios (dreams arent supposed to make sense right) but it's quite interesting cos i usually dont dream in colour? or is that i dont rmb the colour? just googled. 12% of people dream exclusively in b&w. but it's quite interesting that in this dream i rmb most of the colours of the scene, the peach-orangey tiles of the pathway, the colour of the characters' clothes, the shrine with the green cloth..

when i woke up i also googled what dreams about shrines/altars mean and here are some cool results:

• To dream of an altar signifies that you need to communicate with your inner self through meditation
• Kneeling in front of an altar in your dream suggests that your most hidden wishes will come true
• Seeing an altar means happy marriage, and if someone kneeling in front of it, that particular person needs help in the real life

and some more interesting facts about dreams in general

• We dream an average of 2h a night (WOW) --> That's like 6 years of dreaming in a lifetime
• Negative emotions in dreams are more common than positive ones
• In Our Dreams, We Only See Faces That We Already Know
• If you are snoring, then you cannot be dreaming
• We dream mostly in pictures, with the majority of dreams being mainly visual with little sound or movement
• You’re more likely to dream about s** if you sleep facedown
• Nightmares occur at a similar time at night as well as dreams about death???

hehe okay good night time to dream more random stuff

it's 1am. everyone is busy getting married, giving birth, having their 2nd kid and guess what..yes im still outside working. im a night owl yes. i love working at 11-3am that sort of timings cos it's quiet and condusive. just need a cup of coffee/smoothie and my laptop. i dont expect people to pity me for sleeping very late/very little cos i like this kind of serenity and also one more thing that i dont like people to do. i dont expect people to change their lifestyles to fit me. all along i have been saying to people is that if you're the same, great. if not, i'll try to free up time to fit yours into mine.

it's really not easy and tbh im tired too. 9-6/7/8 pm work, then volunteering/teaching/church/gym/friends/social/dinners/hq/events. i try to make time for everyone i care about but if the other party aint willing then not worth it huh?

Z: This is your problem. Republic City is flowing with spiritual energy and you can't even tap into it.
K: No, my problem is you! You poisoned me! You've ruined me! People used to think was unstoppable, but now they don't think I'm capable of anything!
Z: Blaming me is a crutch to make you feel better, but it's not helping you recover.
K: I thought seeing you face-to-face would put an end to all of this. But maybe it's time I realize I'll never be the same.
Z: Neither of us are the same as before. I learned to fly, but now I'm bound in chains. You have all the power in the world and the freedom to use it, but you choose to hold yourself down.
K: I'm not holding myself down, but my powers have limits!
Z: You're wrong. That poison should've killed you, but you were able to fight it off. You think your power has limits; I say, it's limitless.
K: Whatever. Before, you were always talking about chaos and freedom. Then you took out the Earth Queen and created the worst dictator the Earth Kingdom has ever seen. Thanks for that!
Z: I've heard rumors about her, but I didn't know she achieved so much power. She needs to be stopped.
K: Well, I can't stop her unless I get over this block.
Z: I think I can help. Let me lead you into the Spirit World.
K: No way. I can't trust you.
Z: Maybe not. But if you had any other options, you wouldn't be here now, would you? We may have been enemies once, but for now, our interests align.
K: I've come this far. What have I got to lose?

Z: Focus on the sound of my voice and clear your mind. [Korra remembers her fight with Zaheer at the Northern Air Temple, and he begins to suffocate her.] Let it play out.
K: I can't!
Z: You can. Accept what happened to you. Don't fear what might have been.
K: I have no control!
Z: [As Korra falls into a massive vortex of air.] Don't be afraid. Hold on! Korra crashes through the rocky ground, but finds herself in the meadows of the Spirit World.
K: I made it ... and you led me here. Do you know where Jinora and the others are?
Z: No, but you do.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

M: Do you think you're finally able to forget about what Zaheer did to you?
K: No. But I am finally able to accept what happened and I think that's gonna make me stronger.

(: #legendofkorra #learninghowtoacceptthingsinmystride

it's been two months of an emotional roller coaster ride. lots of (bad) stuff have happened but im not the kind to share with people because im prideful. i dont like airing dirty laundry in public and def not the kind who openly admits she needs help. been trying to put what happened into words but unable to express it and i found out that it's really true to my personality

im a ISFJ, also known as the Defender personality

"Bound by fierce commitment, intense responsibility, and deep loyalty, the ISFJ is the embodiment of putting service above self in most aspects of their lives.

Weaknesses

1) Resistant to change

ISFJs regard custom and tradition with the utmost respect and can become anxious with a world they see changing too fast and people who refuse to follow established standards. ISFJs in full "tut-tut/tsk-tsk" mode may convince themselves that moral decay and a loss of respect for personal responsibility are destroying our society from the inside out, and they can become so immersed in pessimism that they will start seeing signs of degeneration and devolution everywhere they look. Diversity of thought and opinion are truly the spices of life, but ISFJs can become so enamored with orthodoxy that they forget this essential fact of existence. 

YES. just happened today. Joanna was telling me how she felt tired catching up with her friend whom she hasnt met in years and i totally agreed. i told her how my social circle revolves around people whom i have known for very long, i have no more energy to meet new people and get to know them and whatever, kinda tired seeing others so easily make new friends and do new stuff and im like just "leave me alone, im happy with my old friends/stuff"

hahaha part 2 true as well? for those who know me, my pet peeves are people who dont have basic work/people etiquette. for those who dont know me, they feel like i have high standards of people. it's not high pls. it's basic. *rolls eyes* also pet peeve for people who dont have standards at all, who dont work hard to improve themselves and think "that's just the way i am, i have no need to change"

2) Too altruistic

Loyalty is an admirable character trait to be sure; but it is a two-way street, and if the people we choose to trust prove to be dishonest or unreliable we must be prepared to walk away. Yet ISFJs struggle with letting go, and have a tendency to stay in it to the bitter end, convinced that this is the only honorable thing to do.

YES and YES. i find it hard to move on from stuff. well strength of ISFJ is that they have a great memory, they're good with detail so probs that's why they find it hard to forget bad stuff though it's taking a toll on them?

3) Take things personally

ISFJs are very private people, bordering on the shy, and this does not always mesh well with more open, unpredictable personality types. The social complexity of the environments they inhabit can overwhelm ISFJs and leave them feeling like square pegs in a universe of round holes. They have trouble dealing with conflict and a tendency to take even minor criticism personally. Combined with their stubborn streak, this can leave ISFJs feeling vulnerable and put upon, and they may resort to judgmental criticism themselves as a defense mechanism.

YES YES AND YES. Kero just said this to me the other day: "You tend to do this a lot, huh." yeah... im sorry. im just not trained to face things head on. i rather just back away and convince everything is my fault so that i have a 台阶to下. i dont wanna argue who's at fault, i'll accept it as mine and lets forget about the whole thing.

4) Overload themselves

ISFJs are known for their terrific work ethic, but over time this positive trait can transmute into workaholism and leave an ISFJ so overloaded that she loses sight of everything else. Workaholic ISFJs can be driven to distraction by their perfectionist tendencies, and even on those rare occasions when they manage to tear themselves away from the office and return home for a while, they will continue to obsess over their latest project or assignment, leaving them too distracted and preoccupied to enjoy their free time.

TRUE ALSO. Didnt want to leave the office today though it was 7pm already cos i couldnt make sense of the numbers and more apt example is that IT'S 2AM NOW AND IM STILL UP BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS ACTIVELY THINKING DEEP THOUGHTS

on the bright side i seem to be in the right job fit for my personality LOL

我累了。
Never knew i could hurt so badly by someone but i guessed it did.
this year hasnt been the smoothest so far and it needs to end right now ):

Went back to the Indian shop at Blk 120 ytd. the Uncle so cute, he ask me why I so long never come already then after I order my drink he ask whether I want prata cos he remembers my order. So sweet 😭😭😭 and then he also said my friends came - two guys, one fat one skinny HAHAHA I think I know who he talking about but that guy not very skinny and the other not really fat luh 😂😂 Uncle I will really miss you and your food, thanks for being as sweet as teh tarik ice though I always drink teh halia ice haha

"Today was a difficult day," said Pooh.

There was a pause.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Piglet.

"No," said Pooh after a bit. "No, I don't think I do."

"That's okay," said Piglet, and he came and sat beside his friend.

"What are you doing?" asked Pooh.

"Nothing, really," said Piglet. "Only, I know what difficult days are like. I quite often don't feel like talking about it on my difficult days either.

"But goodness," continued Piglet, "Difficult days are so much easier when you know you've got someone there for you. And I'll always be here for you, Pooh."

And as Pooh sat there, working through in his head his difficult day, while the solid, reliable Piglet sat next to him quietly, swinging his little legs...he thought that his best friend had never been more right.

(':

At Teacher’s lunch today
Elijah: Papa I don’t love you!
Me: hahaha very good then papa no need to pay for your lunch
YC: too late, paid already..
Elijah to me: but I love you!
YC: so you pay for his lunch huh

😂😂😂

read this article Andrew Hui [I'm 32 and I'm dying] (shared on my fb as well) and i teared )):

wanted to write about this after i read it, but before i could pen down my thoughts, news had announced that he had passed away on 31 Aug ):

i have always loved this kind of stories about transformation in Christ because i believe in the power of Christ though i admit i havent been the best advocate of Christianity.

death to some people may be a sensitive and taboo topic but in Christianity we believe in the afterlife and the concept of heaven so it isnt much of an avoided topic but in the physical sense death is still very scary and most people have the luxury to not think about it until they're well into their 70 and 80's. but andrew doesnt. he's just 32 and the 30s are when people are just starting out their lives - a new career, a new life stage, a newborn..it's just very sad to know while people are counting up to milestones, he's counting down to the day he disappears )): countdowns are supposed to be magical, to celebrate good times..like a new year, a holiday, a new job..im reminded of the movie In Time (starring Justin Timberland) where he lives in this fictional world in which money is time and everyone has this life watch that shows you how much time/money you have and when you reach 0 you just die :O

but im glad Andrew wasnt alone in his journey. sure it'll be terrifying knowing that your days are limited but im really inspired that he found peace in the Lord. as Christians not many of us can say we fully trust our God. not when your clock is ticking, not when you are fired from your job, not when you're crippled in debts and definitely not when everything is spiralling out of control. believing in God has so much more meaning to just receiving blessings in your life, it's also about continuation to have faith even when bad comes your way like Job.

so thank your Andrew, you've been a blessing (': may you rest well in God's embrace

..the last enemy that shall be destroyed is death (1 Corinthians 15:26)

It’s 3am and my stupid brain isn’t letting me sleep again.

Instead it’s playing out a scene from my childhood. It wasn’t a happy scene though. In that playback there was a woman who was at my doorstep screaming at my mother. She was a married woman with 3 kids and they used to stay in my house for a period of time. I remember all the family’s names and I found them on Facebook (stalker alert haha). Anyway I remember I was walking home from school that day and I was terrified to go home after I saw her at my doorstep being hysterical. I know the reason why she was screaming (I could hear all her nasty words when I was hiding behind the pillar) and I still remember all the nasty words she said to me when she was a guest in my house. Just wanna forget all the unhappy stuff and pretend to not know anything and pls let me sleep urgh.

Mr Tan to me ytd: Do you use Dove shampoo?
Me: What? Did you just smell my hair?
Mr Tan: The smell very strong..

Should I be creeped out he smelt my hair or complimented that he likes it? 😂

Mounts of gratefulness today (:

-Had a good lunch catch up with my ex-boss M
-Met ex-colleagues for tea, where a senior shared with me his experiences
-Then productive church camp meeting at night where we made such good progress. you know just 2 weeks ago laoshi was telling me how worried she was about it cos we literally had nth out. and i was telling her as camp chair i wasnt worried but truth was i really was kinda scared because i had no plan also. and i actually forgot about today's meeting but then thank God that today a lot of things fell into place which i am really really glad (and i am kinda excited to see it come to fruition! :D )
-And simple things like uncle xc dropping me at marsiling mrt cos meetings are so far away from my house

you know it's so scary to lose hope sometimes. i dont look like it, but sometimes when things get to me i can get pretty negative and then i will say very mean things to people. and then sometimes when you're so caught up with life - with work with commitments with teaching with guiding and mentoring you forget that you need mentorship and guidance too (':

thank you to those who listened to my hopes dreams and goals. it really means a lot to me cos it's scary talking them out to people who might judge you (':

(Okay this post is 1 week late cos ive been procrastinating)

V. thankful for today!

Aaron (my student's dad) sat in for class today cos he was interested to be a SS teacher (THE FIRST GUY HAHA) so he has been going to a different class each week and this week he joined my class.

but backstory first. i have 6-7 kids in my class (AND THEY ARE ALL BOYS) so yup you get it. plus they're at this age where they keep talking non-stop about literally under the sun including "sensitive topics" and to make it worse i have received complaints feedback that they have been "bad influence" to the younger ones cos of the things they talk about but you know kids are kids; they really have no filter.

anyway back to Aaron joining my class. i was kinda worried/relieved (?) is it ironic to feel these two feelings at the same time? hahha. worried cos you know, boys will be rowdy and if i cannot control the class then i will "lose face and authority" as a teacher but then relieved at the same time cos his son is the naughtiest in class and kinda like the leader who starts all the nonsense in class so he can finally see how his son behaves in class and also hopefully that when he's here his son will behave.

but anyway I SURVIVED! or rather HE SURVIVED as i jokingly said to him. he was rather impressed how i was able to capture the hearts of the boys, how i could reply all their nonsensical questions and statements and he kept laughing all the way in class awww. and yup he has 2 boys at home but i have 6 so who's the more 厉害 one HAHHAHA. okay kidding.

but still v v thankful that everything went smoothly. maybe i might consider having sons next time (as if i can control hahah)

The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; Matthew 9:37

back from my yearly solo trip haha. solo travels are always full of deep thoughts for me. been travelling alone since 2015 but i dont consider myself to be an experienced traveller though. seriously a lot of things will happen to me on trips but i guess that's how we all grow and learn?

so what happened this time round hmm. i went to kl again (same as last year) but last year i squeezed in a one-day penang trip in the middle of a 3 day trip. this year i decided to just stay in kl for 4 days. i already booked a hiking trip and a pils class prior to coming so it would be less boring but still leaving sufficient time for recharging (ie retail therapy) and pampering hehe.

Summary of my trip:

DAY 1
on the day of my scheduled flight i woke up late as usual zzz (really need to learn to sleep and wake up earlier!!!) and i was so scared i would miss my morning flight because the departure terminal was at T4 and i had to take the additional shuttle from T2 in order to reach T4. it didnt help that there was a jam on PIE. so my panicked state was activated and i said some unkind words :/ thankfully i made it in time for my flight despite further hiccups with scanning my passport and checking of luggage etc.

flight was smooth, reached on schedule but then the MALAYSIA CUSTOMS were a disaster!! for about every 5 counters, 3 were closed? the queues were so long that they snaked to the arrival lounge *facepalm* dont understand why the customs will condone inefficiency but on the bright side, it makes Singapore comparatively the better country :D *insert proud face emoticon* anyway i was feeling quite guilty as i already booked a car to send me to my hotel and the driver waited for me about 1h because of the long queues >.<

anyway reached my hotel and i realized it was just opposite furama where i stayed last year LOL. okay im terrible at reading maps (another disadvantage for solo travels) so when i booked the place as long as it was within the golden triangle i was satisfied. but well the roads changed a lot since the last year i came so had to reroute and reposition myself again but i think i managed okay (:

then headed for brunch while waiting for my room to be ready

VCR: 2 Jalan Galloway, Bukit Bintang, 50150 Kuala Lumpur

quaint little cafe which was a bit ulu and had low tables and seats :/ but overall ambience and food were nice

and then watched Spiderman too. Zendaya <3 and the ticket was only RM 17 so cheap HAHAHHA. the movie was so good! highly recommend even for non-Marvel fans (Y)

DAY 2
fly pilates early in the morning. studio was within a walking distance from where i stayed so getting there was a breeze and i spent $0 on transport (Y). the place was rather quiet, in a torn down building but the interior was furbished quaintly. there were only 4 students that day, 2 first-timers other than me. we basically did pils using the hammock all the way it was so tough scary yet so fun. 100% would do it again

then in the afternoon tried to find back my shoe shop in BB but couldnt find ): so no new sports shoes this year

weather was insanely hot so thai milk tea FTW (only RM 5)

iron man at pavilion

and not to forget, overdose of BBT hehe (tealive, alley)

DAY 3
supposed to be the hike to maya falls day. according to google, the views at maya falls look like these, so stunning right but my trip got cancelled cos the guide's daughter fell sick and he needed to care for her aww )): so i went back to bed and went shopping the whole day (again LOL)

basically i did nothing i think. except for looking for food and shopping so here's some more photos of traditional breakfast and cafes hehe

 Feeka Coffee Roasters: 19 Jalan Mesui, Bukit Bintang, 50200 Kuala Lumpur, Wilayah

DAY 4

last bf here. went back to the same coffeeshop cos i was lazy and i really wanted to try the wanton mee cos it looked real good the other day. i had a mini scare when the stall looked closed, but actually it was only cos they didnt turn on the lights. here's the pic of the wanton mee i was eyeing the other day. not particularly awesome but RM 6 only!!! #cheapthrills

and then last minute shopping to spend all my cash haha before booking grab to the airport. the airport's about an hour away so i catered sufficient time but again I FORGOT HOW TERRIBLE THE CUSTOMS WERE. plus i was stopped by the guards for oversized luggage :/ so i was forced to check in. another RM 150 damage but i just paid. it's really not that im rich. i just feel that it's not worth to argue over RM 150. i admit i do earn a comfortable salary but i scrimp A LOT A LOT and im quite stingy with myself. i basically walk everywhere to save money (up to 5km) and i dont buy things on impulse. i will take a photo/screenshot of the item i wanna buy and think about it for uber long before i purchase. and before i purchase i will search everywhere for cheaper options >.< and yes i do compare shops even for buying tissue paper HAHAHA

okay anyway lesson of the year is to buy check-in luggage for my trips back, especially for malaysia and to rmb that the customs queues are insanely long hahha

it's been a rather emotional week..attended an interview on friday morning and i actually came out crying. not that it was so bad that the hiring managers screamed at me but it was the so good interview that i actually cried. the hiring manager was actually a prof at SMU who taught business mgmt too and when she was sharing her experience i could relate so much that tears just uncontrollably fell. thank you so much for the encouragement and the advice, mrs judy tan. it's just been so tough surviving SMU and then adulting but i'll work hard (':

“Everyone will disappoint you. No one is perfect. The point is, can you deal with the disappointments and the person and care about them anyway despite them disappointing you?” Alyne (Alyne and Nas Daily)

attended jane laoshi's father's wake last night.
dislike going to wakes for many reasons, firstly being very awkward :-X arrived too early for the 8pm memorial service and it was rather empty; said hi to laoshi, then not sure whether to sit down take food or just stand around. luckily other church people came so not so awkward, still can chit chat and kill time before the memorial service. then at memorial service when pastor yeung was talking dunno whether to use phone or not cos it's so serious and at some parts i felt like crying but it's so weird cos im not even related to the deceased..and then after memorial service dunno whether should just leave or linger to chat :/ so much awkwardness haha. anyway laoshi stay strong kay, praying for you and your family

(p.s. one of the older couples at church actually said they came cos they saw the ad in the newspaper! ahh so sweet <3)

today i chided my kids for being messy. cos teacher jane gave them kinder surprise eggs and they obviously started eating them right away, though we werent allowed to eat in class. anyway as usual they made a mess out of the classroom with their toys thrown everywhere and the manual for making the toys shredded into a hundred pieces -.-

and after class some ladies from the women's ministry came to use the classroom and i was so embarrassed that the place was in a mess. and one of the lady was more concerned that my class was rowdy, she said: “他们那么吵，你怎么能够忍受得了？” [they are so noisy, how do you tolerate all that?] tbh i cant HAHHA. but what to do? i have 8 boys in my class, and at this age all they do is to rebel and say stupid things. like i was talking about paul today and they kept saying porn (doesnt even sound alike!!) -.- and the s word and dunno what other taboo words. sighs. just childish lo.

but then i watched a fb video on this boy named gabe adams who like nick vujicic was born without limbs, but this story was sadder in that he was abandoned by his parents ): ): but thankfully a really nice couple in north america adopted him *tears welling up* and the video demonstrated how he went out his every day without limbs and i started sobbing. how can i compare myself to a mother who has to bring up this kind of handicapped child? to see that poor boy struggle in everything that we do so easily and so thoughtlessly; like walking up and down the stairs, texting, cooking, even interacting with others...it's really nothing compared to managing 8 rascals every week. and i think my kids will really appreciate what they have if they see this video, maybe for a short while only but still good enough i guess. #willworkhardertobeabetterteacher #mothersaresoawesome

okay i gotta write this story down before i forget..

so im a very "auntie" person..i do compare prices at shops and search for stuff online so that it's cheaper, and i do use discount apps as well #moneyishardtoearn so i had these 2 vouchers which were expiring end April and i felt the urge to use them cos #auntie you know. just nice both shops were at northpoint so i decided to make my way down on thu after work. and just nice kero texted to ask if anyone was free to join him for dinz after his interview (shh) so i asked him to pei me in northpoint since it's on his way home. the first shop i went to was a shoe shop in which i was entitled to a $5 off with a min spending off $19.90. so i was at the shop deciding what to pick when the shop assistant told me that they had an ongoing promotion where the 2nd pair was $10 off. hearing this i was super tempted to get 2 pairs (cos forever need shoes right HAHA) and i really did. but end up because i utilized this offer i couldnt use my $5 voucher meh :/

the second shop was gadget hub where i had 4 $5 off vouchers with a min spending of $30. i needed to get a new cable cos i always spoil mine but i had about $22 to spare to be eligible for the voucher. initially i tot spend $30 can get $20 off not bad leh but i checked with the shop assistant and he said that i couldnt use the 4 vouchers together (WHAT??) so i decided to forgo the rest of the vouchers and used only 1 instead. ended up buying a wireless charger (rip-off but ah wells) and kero felt it was a waste for the rest of the vouchers and he started approaching patrons in the shop and giving them my vouchers. super kind soul indeed HAHAHA. and then i went home to buy a wireless charger receiver online (just $2 okay!!!) cos my phone didnt have the qi technology. maybe i did spend more than i tried to save with my vouchers but im happy HAHAH

and disclaimer: im not all that cheapo. i splurge on shoes, coffee and travel >.<

Home-d!

Been wanting to write about my trip each day but everytime im back at the airbnb im just so tired. plus every 1 or 2 nights we change airbnb so hard to sit down and write and all (OKAY EXCUSESSSS. like how it's 1am again and im still awake idkw??)

anyway maybe i'll talk about my feelings coming back first. always v v v grateful to be back in Singapore, because it's so efficient! just 2 weeks ago i had to queue 3h to clear JB customs (18 counters, but only 14 were open cos the rest had no staff?) it was so packed, so hot, my legs were so tired and if they just. just. just. adopt the electronic machines like Singapore everyone can clear within 15 minutes. okay but then again if malaysia is efficient, they will be more successful than us (OKAY NO WAY PLS) and maybe they're just trying to create jobs HAHAHHA. and two days ago when we were transiting at Munich it was such a bad experience too. we were on the 2nd floor and we had a 3h transit period so we wanted to grab dinner. saw some eateries downstairs BUT WE COULDNT FIND THE ESCALATOR/STAIRCASE TO GO DOWN TO LEVEL 1. quite ridiculous. we tried asking the security guards who said we had to go through passport control to get down? means we had to leave the transit area. which shouldnt be the case. but then they directed us to some dodgy escalator where we ended up in the train area, which sent us to another terminal instead. zzz. and rmbed another experience in chiang mai where there was no electronic board to dictate the gates for connecting flights, so everyone had to ask the staff holding direction plates who had to check manually on paper sheets for the allocated gates two thumbs down to thailand. meh. hence so so so glad for clear directions at changi airport and those fast automated clearance gates

and then after we collected our luggages and all me and perx decided to visit jewel since we were already at the airport and we wanted to grab some food (MISSED NOODLES SO MUCH!!) the route to jewel was insanely long?? like 6 travelators and 200m walk before we reached the entrance. and it was extremely packed though it was a monday evening which i absolutely hate. squeezed our way to the middle to take the iconic waterfall and then quickly went off to the pokemon center. but when we approached the center we saw 2 long queues with like 10 employees managing the queues? really insane much. unanimously decided we wont queue for the center and just walk past instead. saw people trying to selfie with the "special limited edition" pikachu and i laughed to myself. it was the same one at narita airport! (or was it at osaka) i rather go to the one in japan okay. no queue and so much bigger. but good job pokemon center for creating jobs. two thumbs up.

and our last stop was food. we cheapos so we went to the food court haha. insanely packed as well, (where do all these people come from???) had a hard time finding seats boo. but there was a kind staff who helped (kudos to creating jobs too) and we managed to get a table. we were both craving for ban mian so i went to queue for it. frustrating incident also. first, the normal ban mian was not at the top of the menu but rather no. 5 after spicy noodles and fried dumplings and whatsoever. and when i was ordering i asked if i could change the noodles to you mian and the shop assistant said no, cannot change. and then the one making the noodles (some old woman) heard it and she came over to tell me she only had you mian. and i pointed to the menu which said ban mian in which the counter staff said couldnt change. so what was what? and then this old lady said it's correct. their stall sells "ban mian de you mian" i was like huh??? ban mian is ban mian and you mian is you mian (sorry to non-chinese people who may not understand this, but basically both are handmade noodles but in different shape so they are two different things) but i had no choice but to agree (didnt want her poisoning my food you know) and after the staff served the food i realized the noodles were dry ones (usual is soup) so i asked her if it came with soup. she then poured some dubious soup into the bowl (i think it was the one for boiling the minced meat cos it was brown) and the worst thing was, after all that ruckus the food didnt even taste nice and was horribly expensive ($5.90 >.<) jewel sucks HAHAHHA.

Catch up with two of my uni friends just now and we had teaparty yay! wanted to sing k too but everywhere was fully booked ): and teaparty increased price again boohoo. anyway how times flies. i met these 2 girls in Y1S2 when we were allocated to the same BGS group. we had 2 other group members - 1 guy and 1 burmese who always didnt appear for class and didnt do much project work so ended up we 3 girls did almost everything and got closer :/ that was 6/7 years back? and now they're both getting married! how exciting :D and then they started to share about how expensive it is to get married - the photoshoots, the hotel, buying house..really sounds like a lot to handle, both financially and emotionally :O

but at the same time im quite envious of them. envious that they are moving progressing on to their next stage of life, that they each have someone lifelong to share their joys/troubles with (': its really a fate thing to find that special someone i guess, and i really did have the thought that if i did find that someone i would have been married by now and probably have a chubby cute baby too (': i think im kinda wearing wedding goggles from watching B99. finally reached S5 where Jake proposed to Amy!! AHHH DAMN SWEET. he made use of the annual halloween heist knowing how competitive Ames was. i dont like Jake's character but i admit he can be pretty much a romantic aww. and i think the part that made me most in love was when he described the exact moment he knew he wanted to marry Ames. 28 April 2017 in bed when she was doing crosswords and she found a typo in the puzzle (': and to me need not to date long, i think 2-3 years is enough to see whether this guy/girl is right for you

but ah wells. no such luck in my life. maybe im destined to be a career woman. if i really cant bto with someone then i'll just buy under singles scheme at 35 haha. cant wait to get my house and renovate it :P

So i lost my cool on Friday..my boss and i had a meeting scheduled with WSG at 9am. MP from WSG called L around 8.50am to say that she and another colleague would be late. when they came it was about 9.20am, so i settled them in the MR first while i went to get L. later they requested for a projector for their ppt, so i went down to 1st floor to borrow from the sales people cos IT told me he didnt have any more spares at his side. by the time i got back, set up the projector and even brought the guests water, L still didnt appear. so i walked around the office and saw him talking to a colleague whose last day was that day, and i slowly and gently interrupted, reminding him that we had guests. he said ok, give him a while, and then after he finished the conversation, he went into M's room. i was appalled???

i didnt know how to face the guests so i just said that L was still busy and then i excused myself out of the room and stood outside M's room. by the time he was done (I THOUGHT HE WAS), another 20min had past, and he came out, and walked into another room to talk?!?! i couldnt take it anymore so i went to knock on the door and reminded him yet again. he then jokingly said in chinese that i was chasing him. it is not funny okay. we had guests?? and we made them wait for at least 30 min?? and i couldnt control myself. i rolled my eyes LOL and T who was in the room said that she and J (the one whose room we were in) saw it. really speechless leh.

and then more bullsh*t during the meeting but not going to talk about it. by the time we finished the meeting it was about 11ish? sigh. never been so embarrassed..

Of [paper] Cuts, Coffee and Conversations

Finally ended this terrible week. Aside from payroll week there’s also bonus this month so extra OTs and a lot more of unappreciation (okay there’s no such word)

Been through bonus period once last year already so I roughly know how stressful it is and how much work there is to be done (and the worst part was I wasn’t even eligible for bonus last year but I still worked my guts out ): ) so I was kinda prepared for it this year but so many things were happening at the same time.

1. T’s overseas this year so less help. Last year it was HMM. Forever only 2 of us doing work hahahha

2. But even with less help, both of us werent fully utilised? Okay that’s not the right word. Hmm both of us werent even 100% working on bonus that week. there's supposed to be a lot to do. supposed. finalize calculations, double check backpays, print letters (mail merging of 100++ letters), process payroll on top of the usual payroll stuff but we both still went home at 6pm that week cos we couldnt do anything? we only started to OT on thu o.O

3. T came back on Friday. 22 March. When my payroll was supposed to be approved. okay most of the numbers were done. BUT MY BLOODY LETTERS WERENT. they're supposed to be done concurrently?? like whatever your payroll numbers are, it's supposed to reflect on the letters? and after printing the letters still need to double check, sign, photocopy and fold. but wed the template for letters not even finalized yet??? like i dont get what my boss is unhappy about the template? and tbh now is definitely not the time to change. it's T-2 days! speaking of this more boils but okay chillllll. 

4. Anyway when T came back she got angry. Hahha it’s rare that I see her flare up. But this year I’ve heard her say the f word more than 3 times already. 300% increase from last year LOL. She was upset that the admin staff in other departments got more bonus than us, though we're all corporate functions. oh wells. i think im so numb that i cant be bothered anymore. the world [company]'s not fair and if not happy just leave lorrrrr. hahah

5. Friday night. my letters only less than half folded??? tmr monday liao. to everyone who got the letters, the date printed is 20 March. hahhaha 5 days to print, sign, photocopy and fold letters. well done.

On a side note I think I’m so independent that its crazy. I actually told someone that I want out of their life.

Conversations with kids these two days..

Pulled out a movie for the ss kids to watch on sunday. on sat when i was deciding which movie to show (Miracles from Heaven, 2016 vs Case for Christ, 2017) and i decided upon C4C in the end cos partially i couldnt download MFH LOL and another reason was cos C4C was on my watchlist for the longest time ever, i was very worried that they wouldnt like it, cos the movie was set in the 1980s and it was quite adultish (MFH's main plot was about the girl which C4C was about the journalist father) but surprisingly they were quite intrigued by it and kept asking questions! the movie starts off with the background of the main char (Lee) and then changes into a scene that sets the whole background for his journey. Lee, his wife Leslie and his daughter Alison were at a restaurant when Ali choked on a gumball and they all started panicking. luckily one of the restaurant patrons was a trained nurse and she saved Ali. Leslie was so grateful that the patron (Alfie) was there but Alfie said it wasnt a coincidence she was there; she initially decided to go to another restaurant for dinner but God told her she had to be at that restaurant that night and this sparked Leslie's interest in Christianity. and the movie goes on to talk about how Lee, because of his wife, started his discovery journey in initially finding evidence to debunk the existence of Christ but later believing in Christ himself.

and after that opening scene, Samuel (the naughtiest boy in class), kept asking me what would happen to someone if the person choked and wasnt saved. he had a very scared look on his face and he was asking in a worried tone. so i calmly explained what choking was, how people could choke on big food items (like the gumball and fishballs) and he innocently said he would never eat fishballs again. hahhaha. but of course i assured him that as long as he properly chews his food and not talk while eating he's safe. but he still insisted on abstaining from fishballs. aww hahaha.

and later throughout the movie they were very glued to the screen, they didnt make noise unlike usual classes and they even asked one of the boys to keep quiet so that they could enjoy the movie aww. AND THEY EVEN ASKED ME TO COME EARLIER NEXT WEEK SO THAT THEY COULD FINISH THE MOVIE ON TIME. wow. amazeballs hahaha. so so so different from their devilish normal selves

and then today

is a weird conversation with my tuition kid haha.
D is primary 3 this year and he was telling me stories (yes kids love to tell stories which are completely random hahaha) and yes his stories came out of nowhere (AND WERE ALSO CREEPY) he was telling me stories about dead people? babies in particular. i rmb his first story is about this girl who was pregnant in secondary school and when she gave birth she threw the newborn into the dustbin. and the police came to arrest her. what?? and the next story was more epic. it was about this maid who was tasked to take care of a newborn but the baby kept crying and the maid couldnt take it so she put the baby into the freezer. YES YOU DID NOT READ WRONG. and then she peacefully sat down on the sofa to watch tv now that the cryings were muffled. and then the mistress came home and asked where the baby was. the maid was so terrified that she lied that someone had taken away the baby and ran away. so the mistress questioned her, why didnt she chase after the person and why she was relaxing on the sofa? and the maid knew she couldnt hide anymore and so she pushed the mistress away and ran out of the flat. and i asked D what happened to the baby, he said that the mistress found the baby in the freezer eventually but the baby had died already. and of course i asked where he learned these stories from, he initially said newspaper, but then i probed further and he revealed that his primary 2 teacher told him all these "dead people" stories. my jaw dropped. not at the fact that he related all these stories to me in a calm manner, but rather WHAT ARE TEACHERS IN SCHOOL TEACHING NOWADAYS...i already felt so scared listening to these stories, what more a 9 year-old boy, but the fact that he was expressionless says that he probably is immune to such stories??

so so so scary teaching kids nowadays. i cant even imagine having my own. what should i expose them to first :O

sidenote: i used to think i only want one kid cos i will be able to focus more attention on her (i only want one girl! and i know what to name her already haha) and able to devote more resources to develop her but now i think i want 3 kids haha. totally undeterred by the challenging/weird conversations haha. anyway cos i feel that a family portrait of 5 will look nicer; like the 2 parents sitting on the chairs then the 3 kids standing behind. okay i think maybe my mindset has changed cos babies are popping up around me?? like kero just gave birth! (his wife i mean) and all the church cell people. cant wait to see keromyn (in person baby) aww (':

Good read: If You're Too Busy for these 5 Things

and..im too busy to finish this post lol. okay not true. it's just that there's so many things going on every day i dont have the time to properly sit down and have time to myself. work, church, community, tuition, ss, dinners, playtime, coffee..im envious of people who seem to have their lives put together. "seem". people tell me that i seem happy too. but truth is, im struggling with this #adulting thing. being in a people-related job isnt helping either. i cant sit down at my desk for 15 min peacefully without an email/text/physically someone coming to ask me something that's not related to me. urgh. badly need a holiday to recharge :/

Tuesday.
Taking my first legit MC in 5 years? cant rmb the last time i fell sick. stomach flu in year 1 while studying for biz law finals or food poisoning after yoogane with my and xp? the funny thing is, my body only falls ill on weekends. it's like it knows im a workaholic hahaha. but anyway i feel fine physically, just mentally im very tired. i havent had a good night's rest in weeks. just so tired of facing people though it's my job. you know i actually got scolded by one ridiculous staff ytd? *rolls eyes* sigh and actually my leg is aching very badly. is it due to bowling training on sunday? old le. meh :/

Today I spent about half an hour listening to an employee share his/her views about his/her boss. Okay let’s call the employee A to disguise his/her identity. A recently tendered, and since it’s quite near to bonus month, it came as a shock as people usually hold out til bonus month (1 year worth of suffering for that increment and that possible 3-4 months extra!!) unless they really bth or they already have an offer that gives them so much more basic that the bonus is negligible.

Anyway back to A, I was in the pantry with another colleague when A came over to sit down next to me. The moment A sat down I was thinking in my head “oh shit I need to get up and move” and so I quickly reached forward to pick up my rubbish from the table but A caught it and asked if I was leaving cos he/she was here.

“No..I just wanted to throw my rubbish cos it’s too unsightly” I wittingly replied. Then I sat back down after doing so and A started pouring out his/her story..

A talked about his/her dissatisfaction with his/her boss, how the boss was disrespectful, and used an unacceptable tone with A. Okay 90% of people quit cos of their bosses, so it’s not a surprise for A's reason of resignation. Furthermore I had worked with A’s boss and I know how the boss can be quite unreasonable and unprofessional. but throughout the whole conversation i was trying hard not to judge because i have had heard stuff about A’s working attitude as well.

Sure having a good leader is really important, a leader who shows appreciation, who respects, motivates and all but at the same time the staff must be receptive to all these as well. i consider myself a millennial but i must agree that millennials arent the easiest to work with. we're too entitled; we want everything and we cant stand anything.

but i wanna focus more on the supervisor/the so-called "leader". i realize it's a Gen X mentality that most Gen X leaders don’t realise that leadership's not about the title; it’s about the way you act and treat your peers/subordinates/the people around you.  i have worked with a few Gen X-ers and i concur that their leadership theory is quite flawed. they think that just because they are placed in that position they are invincible? they talk down to candidates in interview, give snide remarks to subordinates..seriously millennials nowadays, if they dont like it they JUST WALK RIGHT OUT. nobody needs this bl**dy d*** job and nobody will stand there to listen to how you think we should be more initiative. even our parents dont talk to us this way, and just because we're receiving your salary, doesn't mean that we have to accept all without refunds.

but then again. Gen X-ers were brought up this way, they were the ones who have been through the so-called crises, and emerged the most successful today. so are we millennials being weak? am i weak for believing that leadership should be humane and not top-down?

thoughts please.

An older colleague secretly squeezed this angbao into my hands today.
“给你” she said.
I said no, you don’t have to.
She insisted as I wasn’t married
“我自己有赚钱” I rejected again.
“祝福你” she smiled.

Aww. The amount is small, but the thought is immense 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Really thankful to meet such genuine people in the office amidst all the politics ❤️❤️

is it true that a single will be more committed? as an employer would you choose to employ a single, a married candidate with no kids or one with kids if salary/calibre/experience were negligible?

i actually left this in draft for more than a week so it's not true that a single is more committed haha. but anyway, i had this thought because keromyn asked me, and i shared with him my experience of working with 3 married colleagues. colleague A who's my age has 2 kids aged 2 and 4. she leaves work on the dot to fetch the kids every day. she often takes urgent leave cos her kids fall sick often. colleague B who's about 13 years older than me also 2 kids but her kids are in primary school already. she sometimes work overtime but if her husband isnt in singapore she has to leave work on the dot to pack food for her kids. both do not have after-work activities except maybe on friday nights. stays at home on weekend. on the other hand, colleague C just got married last year, no kids, still rather yolo, goes out after work to meet friends/dinner/drink frequently.

me. single. OTs all the time, replies emails at insane hours, writes at insane hours too (it's 12.57am btw), but still finds time to mps/gym/meet friends/run errands/tuition/church. is it a time thing? or a priority thing or a commitment thing? hmm. even if i were attached i probably still do all of the above? i wont be happy if my other half restricts me to do stuff. but with kids would be a different thing i guess. priority should be the kids. i'll probably give up tuition first, then mps, then gym in that order? or maybe i would have to give up all hahhaha.

and yes.

even my anti virus is being relatable. commitment haha. so what exactly would induce one to commit? passion? money? mood? i dunno either. ive committed to teaching kids for at least 7 years now, and to the community for 3 years (though i did take a hiatus to get away from toxic people). is it cos im single? tbh all my so-called activities take up a lot of time too. i barely sleep 8h (okay but that's a habit also) my only rest day is sunday (after ss) but im not sure if im happy. i do know im overworked though. but then again i have a workaholic personality and an ocd personality, i cant stand it if i see that there's unread email so i will go and click my inbox to read and reply. unless it's not impt then i'll unread it and leave it to the next day to reply when im in the office. am i being committed? hmm. not like i'll earn more for being more efficient and clearing more work. and it's not like cos i have no kids to take care of too. what do you think?

sidenote: a lot of things have been happening in the office but its hard to share these stuff with someone. :/ just gonna keep it in til it's the right time i guess

really a lot a lot a lot of patience and empathy are required in the people business. generally i think im high on the patient side? but there are 3 kinds of people that i have a short fuse for - 1) immature, 2) irresponsible and 3) people who waste others' time. and i see these traits in many millennials nowadays.

on top of that, i cannot stand people (especially girls!) who

• cuss (in every single FREAKING sentence) hahahah im doing that too doesnt it sound annoying 
• dont respect themselves and their bodies

i've had younger girls come and tell me that flirting with guys is okay because they treat the guys like bro. so it's okay to "lead them on" because "they will never fall for them". no pls. you bro them doesnt mean they feel the same way towards you. pls respect yourselves. girls should have the 矜持(jin chi), not sure how to translate it accurately into english. dignity?

and the most jaw-dropping line i heard tonight: "i'm here for a fun time, not a long time." :O their nonchalant attitude really gets on my nerve.

perhaps it's just a millennial thing i feel. people who are rude to seniors, who are not interested in helping others but volunteer anyway (for what? friends? fun?), people who come to volunteer but end up spending their time complaining, talking about others and stirring politics. i was pretty sure i wasnt brought up this way; my parents didnt teach me to live life this way, neither did my teachers, nor my friends. how did the current generation turn out otherwise? its sad and infuriating when you see youngsters these days snapping at people older than them and brush it off as "that's how i talk" and "if you dont like it, dont talk to me". NO. please respect yourselves and others. be humble.

End of yet another week. technically tmr's friday so there's one more working day but i took leave for tmr so it's long weekend for me yay! (actually the workaholic me is still going to work but at least i'll get to choose a working location with a nicer view heh) dont ask me why i took leave, it's for a very specific reason (no, im not going for any interview) it sounds stupid but it means a lot to me. now. really need some time away to clear my head and heart ): oh wells

anyway my week has been pretty bad; i'll rate it a 3/10. initially the week started pretty well with my primary school friend's wedding in the morning (i have known her for 18 years of my life can you believe it?!?!) albeit bad decisions again to stay up til 2am having macdonalds with an old friend the night before; but then again im grateful for these rare deep one-on-one conversations. im pretty much a night owl (trained since jc) so kinda used to it but it's a bad habit and i acknowledge i need to work on this haha. anyways weddings are a good platform to catch up with old friends (the real 10-year challenge here okayyyy) and always so magical (':

and it was kind of a new experience for me as my friend had her solemnization and her wedding lunch together at a hotel. though kinda weird that the solemnization is not done in a church but i guess it's pretty much cost savings? haha. not my kind of wedding though. for me i just want a simple private dinner/garden/overseas beach kind of wedding (:

so that was saturday. then as usual sunday couldnt wake up for church in the morning LOL (im sorry its not funny i really need to learn how to manage my sleep hours better) but i did wake up on time to go back to the office to clear work (YES SINGLE LIFE IS A WORKAHOLIC LIFE) then came monday which was the killer ): ridiculous things have been happening in the office but it's really becoming very ridiculous. speechless. things are getting quite bad that im slowly spirally losing faith in my job :/

anddddd one more big thing happening on monday sighs..

really need a boost of good vibes badly ):

Another Monday, another crazy night. Record breaking time of leaving at 12am tonight! (or should i say this morning hahha) anyway i was so shagged from work (another crazy thing happened at work today so i couldnt leave earlier but that's for another post) so i didnt want to write i just wanted to be advisor so i sat next to hazel meimei. after that the queue was still so long so MF and i took a laptop and opened a counter. i was telling uncle jo to give me the easy ones (fine, SSO) and there was one which seemed easy (she came to collect FV) but turned out to be so complicated :/

Resident was a mother who was about 2 years older than me but had like 6 kids?!?!?! (clar was asking me what was i doing with my life and i said she older so she first HAHAHHA) anyway Resident came on the behalf of her husband who was currently in prison and was selected for some work and training vocation programme but wasnt successful due to his outstanding traffic fines. AND MIND YOU, THERE WERE LIKE $2000 WORTH OF FINES DUE. yes no kidding man. she brought out like a thick wad of fines ranging from LTA to TP to HDB and URA. she said that her husband just informed her that he got this lot of outstanding bills since May 2018 and that certis cisco has even been to her house to arrest her husband because he has failed to pay these bills and they have been brought up to court that's why they had to arrest him but they didnt know he had already been in jail cos of petty theft or sth blah blah. just so speechless after hearing that. no points for guessing what race they are haha but truth is, reality check man. the husband is the only one working, he doesnt have a great education so he only works as a valet, the wife is a housewife caring for 5 kids (one daughter being cared for by the aunt), the husband chalks up all these fines, gets into prison, family forever relying on SSO and MUIS financial aid, kids not having good education, cannot find good job and earn more money *facepalm* it's a vicious cycle man

and i think she saw our judgmental faces so she explained, quote her, "money can be earned but their [the kids] happiness cannot be bought". i mean yes you love kids, i love kids too, but reality check here. you dont have enough to even feed yourself how to feed 5 kids??? and then forever worrying about not enough money not enough food, is that true happiness?? reminds me of one staff we had who also said no money so want to apply job at our company but hire her le then she whole day take unpaid leave see doctor or some weird excuse. housewife at home never fall sick but once start working every day sick and it's the legit sick kind. 1 week can take like 3 days unpaid leave. ??? either sick or fall down in mrt or son forgot house keys etc. cant understand such people. meeting so many strange people every day haiz.

sidenote: 4 people said that i slimmed down today! secretly happy hehe

Choices. This word seemed to be quite prevalent this week. One colleague told me he was unhappy at work and wanted to quit so I told him that he had a choice - two choices in fact, to let the unhappy thing get to him or to give up and go. Then again the word choices popped up when I was having dinner with my ex-colleagues girl clique. One of them was sharing her past stories where she made bad choices but she stuck by them and was grateful she did. Yes we all have choices, question is will you stick by and bear the consequences of your choices?

(I need to wake up early tmr but my stupid brain is making me write this down while Lady Gaga’s Shallow keeps replaying in my head urgh)

*update: I found the post which describes exactly what i wanted to say! and here goes:
"My grandma told me there are only two types of decisions: Decisions made out of fear and decisions made out of growth.” For instance, do you stay in your job because you are afraid you won’t get another job? Or do you stay in your job because you are excited about the growth potential there? Do you stay in a relationship because you are afraid you won’t meet someone else, or you are afraid of hurting someone else? Or do you stay in a relationship because you are truly grateful the other person is in your life (and hopefully, vice versa). Every decision I have made has either been fear or growth. Not just big decisions but even the smallest decisions. And the fear-based decisions never worked out for me. When I made a fear based decision it was always because I was giving power to someone else. The growth-based decisions all resulted in miracles I could not have imagined. With growth-based decisions you feel it in your body: an expansion of your chest, ideas in your mind, a feeling of competence increasing. A feeling of freedom expanding. A growth-based decision becomes the story of your life later. A fear-based decision turns into regret."

Fb reminded me that i shared this video 1 year ago. Re-posting this because it's still very apt.

Yes, #adulting has been the topic revolving around me ever since i graduated from SMU. starting to pay bills and taxes, doing up insurance/hospitalization plans, learning how to take care of my health, going for investment talks, comparing costs and using discount apps..i even started to buy my own towels and bedsheets.

plus it doesnt seem to make it easier that everyone around me seem to have their lives all figured out; to have met their soulmate at age 15, are happily married, have successfully applied for bto, and are now settling down in their dream #pinterest apartments, showing off their cute babies on social media :/ maybe i shouldnt be using the standard Singaporean success mold to define my happiness but it's really hard not to compare. i just want to find someone who's willing to work hard with me to make the future come true that's all i guess. sigh. still need a lot a lot of powerups in order to win this #adulting game ):

Weirdest/funniest thing that happened today at work. there was a guy who supposedly came for an interview but because we didnt have a receptionist, my admin girl was notified by the guardhouse of this particular visitor. so she went down to receive this visitor to find out his purpose of visit but didnt manage to catch his name, except that he said that he was here for an interview and he was looking for XXX. after that she came back up and informed the hiring manager XXX of this candidate. so XXX told her okay, he knew the candidate was coming and so asked her to pass the resume to him. being just in charge of admin, she didnt have the resume so she checked in with me. i replied sure, give me the name of the candidate and the role he applied for so that i could pull up the resume for the hiring manager. then she cutely replied that she didnt manage to catch the name so she went back down again to ask for the guy's name. but when she came back up 2 min later, she said sth very shocking to us. she said that the guy was offended that she asked him for his name and the role he applied for and he said that this was a waste of his time; if the agency didnt inform us that he was scheduled for an interview he would just leave. AND HE REALLY DID. ???? is he really here to seek a job? travelling here for a supposedly interview and leaving within minutes because someone asked for his name? not to bring race into the picture here but some people are weird. i dont think my admin girl had a bad attitude or what because she is literally the sweetest girl. i just dont get candidates sometimes. so strange lol. admire my recruiter friends who have to deal with thousands of such scenarios haha

Watched More than Blue 《比悲伤更悲伤的故事》with Keromyn ytd, the tear-jerking movie which everyone is raving about. i really brought along a huge pack of tissue because i expected myself to cry a lot with my low tearing point (I even cry at monster-fighting movies like Pacific Rim?!?!) Surprisingly my floodgates didnt open whereas Kero was crying buckets next to me LOL. Perhaps im heartless after all. haha no la. let me explain my rationale for why the movie didnt reach my tear threshold.

Overall, i feel that the show is about 2 selfish people. K was selfish to hide his illness from Cream as he felt she didnt need another heartbreak after she lost her family at 16. therefore he planned her relationship for her and manipulated people into getting his desired outcome in which he believed that Cream would be happy. and like what cindy said, he wanted to just slowly disappear from her life and pretend he never existed. Cream was selfish to ruin another guy’s life by pretending to be in love with him and marrying him just to make K happy?

All in all i feel that both are just selfish in the sense that they had 10 years together but neither of them cherished the time together? it's like that quote about Chopin in the 2007 Jay Chou movie Secret in which Jay was saying that it was sad Chopin had to be separated from his wife lover (omg i googled. it was about him and a guy called George Sand) but then the main female lead said no, they had 10 years together which was a long time and because they cherished the 10 years they were beautiful moments. Yes K and Cream also had the 10 years together but they didn’t do anything. They didn’t say the words they wanted to say, they didn’t live out the moments that mattered, and that’s why the last few months in which K was dying they had a lot of regrets. and tbh, i dont believe platonic friends exist, not when they kissed each other and slept with each other?? the guy wont get horny one meh? how can they not have s*x once? okay crudeness aside, i think the movie just wants to bring out how pure their love for each other is, albeit how ridiculous it sounds.

and i guess that is the underlying theme for the movie? pure love. agape. like 《那些年》which had the theme of “错过” and《少女时代》which was “守护” (i read some article which said this!) i think there should be a theme for More than Blue also. which is quite sweet tbh. and which reminds me of a video i watched, of this Buddhist nun (her name is Tenzin Palmo! i googled hehe) explaining the difference between genuine love and attachment. one particular line i like about what she said is this: "Genuine love says, I love you, therefore I want you to be happy. If that includes me, great! If it doesn't include me, I just want your happiness." <3 like though K genuinely wishes that he could be with Cream forever but he couldnt, he just wanted her to be happy. the purest of purest form of genuine love aww. though i still believe that if you really love someone you shouldnt hide the truth. yes the truth may hurt but in times like this, i rather know the truth so that i can live out the last days with you, and those moments will be perfect because i wont have any regrets. well, though i didnt tear, it really made me think a lot about life. about those close to me, how much i was willing to sacrifice and what i would actually do if i were the female lead. *spoilers alert* i think i might actually choose to kill myself too if i were in her shoes ): cant exactly say i have experienced as deeply as her except maybe leo passed away? the ending was really shocking but i really admire her decision (':

sidenote: i kinda didnt like the main female char cos she's very weird and annoying? (are taiwanese girls all like that??) but im was quite inspired to get bangs cos of her hahaha (i really did cut side bangs but it's very fail cos i think my hair is too long and i still can tuck the bangs behind my ears?)

and and. K didnt portray someone with leukaemia very well. patients gradually grow progressively weak so they wont like just be fine one day and faint the other? not like K in the movie lol. and he didnt even look sickly at all. where's the pale face and lips? maybe that's why i didnt feel very sad also hahahah

and and and. the theme song by A-lin very nice hehe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRcudpJzy1I